I was half expecting the story would turn into either a Sci-Fi or Mystery/Thriller when he came back and realized how long he's been out. While suspenseful, I had higher expectations for this chapter. Maybe the next one will really reel me in.
I'm loving this chapter! And I've noticed a lot less errors in this one too - good job! So, here I am now with my feedback...
paragraph 3 - "tense" in place of "tensed" Also, a comma would work better in place of the semi-colon, as it is not a full sentence.
Paragraph beginning "he noticed a hot spring": Read through the second sentence - it needs a little tweaking.
Paragraph beginning "James had always been..": "Commodity he indulged on" would work better with the "on" changed to "in"
Following paragraph: word missing in "he nothing of it"
Paragraph beginning "James decided...": perhaps replace the second "decided" with a synonym.
P. beginning: "To James' horror": used "wide open" twice - perhaps think of a different way to say this
General notes: -Ensure not to use commas in place of semi-colons and vice versa -Don't use "it's" when "it" is possessive - i.e. Not a contraction of "it is" -james seems to get up a little fast after being rendered unconscious! Perhaps have him stagger around a bit first!
Positive notes: -My favourite quote is "Oceans away from the land of pleasantry" ... Beautiful! -Very gripping -Certainly makes me sympathise with James - poor guy!
Yes. And this is the beginning if the end. You can expect to get darker and darker as the chapters roll by. Some serious stuff is about to go down. Be hyped for the next chapter which should be up next week.
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So, here I am now with my feedback...
paragraph 3 - "tense" in place of "tensed"
Also, a comma would work better in place of the semi-colon, as it is not a full sentence.
Paragraph beginning "he noticed a hot spring": Read through the second sentence - it needs a little tweaking.
Paragraph beginning "James had always been..": "Commodity he indulged on" would work better with the "on" changed to "in"
Following paragraph: word missing in "he nothing of it"
Paragraph beginning "James decided...": perhaps replace the second "decided" with a synonym.
P. beginning: "To James' horror": used "wide open" twice - perhaps think of a different way to say this
General notes:
-Ensure not to use commas in place of semi-colons and vice versa
-Don't use "it's" when "it" is possessive - i.e. Not a contraction of "it is"
-james seems to get up a little fast after being rendered unconscious! Perhaps have him stagger around a bit first!
Positive notes:
-My favourite quote is "Oceans away from the land of pleasantry" ... Beautiful!
-Very gripping
-Certainly makes me sympathise with James - poor guy!
Still, interesting. And violent. And interesting.
I like the picture.
- lower case for some words
- full stops instead of commas for conversations
- one letter width of extra spacing
The deer theme is strong in the story too! Including the title :)