Comments - How To Escape Your Death Within 24 Hours

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KingIllumination

Few things: "Who is 'I'"? The story is narrated from first person, but we are not told anything about the main character. Is it a boy or a girl? What do they look like? What's their name? etc. Its quite confusing when I don't even know who the narrator is.

Another thing: I think you need a better title than "The Time Traveling Machine" that title doesn't catch my eye. There are plenty of stories about time traveling machines, the title needs to catch the eye.

11 years agoReply

jessicreative

Thank you for your suggestions.:) I will try to think of a more interesting title.

11 years agoReply

The Unsuspectful Stone

This is already quite interesting by your character needs to be fleshed out a bit. Also, there are a few fairly awkward lines. On of them being "What kind of silly Alice in Wonderland joke is that!" It seems unfitting to the rather well spoken narrative you use. Also, some thing don't seem to make a lot of sense. Right when she sees the painting her eyes sparkle? Maybe if it was an actual piece of machinery sparkling eyes would fit, but it's just a painting, such a reaction doesn't make sense. Try to make sure the actions, reactions, and exposition are ironed into the story more neatly, that would make this a really good read.

11 years agoReply

jessicreative

Thank you for the comment! I will surely edit this!

11 years agoReply

jessicreative

Okay.

11 years agoReply

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