Fantastic story, a truly riveting concept. You've got some great characters as well; the charismatic and terrifying leader, the two disparate students, the chief who seems like there's more beneath his facade of incompetence...
So, you've got a great, great, setup for your story. My problem is twofold, though: first, some grammar issues. Spaces with punctation, ["How dare you question my authority ?"], and odd lacks ["Good morning everyone" his voice echoed in the room] should be fixed. There are also some awkward misuses of syntax ["the police WAS far away from finding him" instead of "were"] etc. Those are minor issues, just worth a re-read or dedicated editor.
The other thing is: be careful not to go to fast. Having someone's bones broken on day one is intense, sure, but what about when you need to raise the stakes in chapter 12? What're you going to do then? In a good suspense novel, the danger ramps up, and always gets MORE intense, not less. So save super-awesome dramatic moments like at the end of the chapter LATER. Perhaps when Pete tries to stage a rebellion to break out, then his arm gets broken to stop the riot. That'd be pretty awesome.
One thing you could do for research is look up the Stanford Prison Experiment, one of the most twisted examples of psychology ever. It's similar to this: an impromptu prison is created in a school, and some are given too much authority. It'll help you craft the dark atmosphere you're going for.
Hope all this helps! This is SamBurke, signing off with a bookmark and a desire to read more!
Firstly, thank you so much for having taken the time to comment so precisely on my story, it means a lot to me ! What you have written is very interesting and I will definitely consider some modifications.
About the grammar issues, I am French and 18 so I'm not really bilingual, even if I hope to be one day. I've shown the story to my English teacher but he must have missed some of my mistakes. Also, I put spaces with punctuation because this is how we do in French. I do it automatically, without really thinking about it and it kind of feels weird and wrong for me not to do it. I never really thought that it could bother English-speaking readers but I can totally erase them.
I will keep on posting my story the way it was originally written and I hope you will find the time to review it. In this way, I would be able to improve it thanks to your suggestions once you have read everything, if you don't mind doing that of course. However, I am leaving tomorrow morning (it is 12pm here in France) because I am travelling to the USA so I probably won't be able to post much for the next two weeks.
Anyway, thank you again for your comment ! Have a good day or night, depends on when you are reading this.
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So, you've got a great, great, setup for your story. My problem is twofold, though: first, some grammar issues. Spaces with punctation, ["How dare you question my authority ?"], and odd lacks ["Good morning everyone" his voice echoed in the room] should be fixed. There are also some awkward misuses of syntax ["the police WAS far away from finding him" instead of "were"] etc. Those are minor issues, just worth a re-read or dedicated editor.
The other thing is: be careful not to go to fast. Having someone's bones broken on day one is intense, sure, but what about when you need to raise the stakes in chapter 12? What're you going to do then? In a good suspense novel, the danger ramps up, and always gets MORE intense, not less. So save super-awesome dramatic moments like at the end of the chapter LATER. Perhaps when Pete tries to stage a rebellion to break out, then his arm gets broken to stop the riot. That'd be pretty awesome.
One thing you could do for research is look up the Stanford Prison Experiment, one of the most twisted examples of psychology ever. It's similar to this: an impromptu prison is created in a school, and some are given too much authority. It'll help you craft the dark atmosphere you're going for.
Hope all this helps! This is SamBurke, signing off with a bookmark and a desire to read more!
About the grammar issues, I am French and 18 so I'm not really bilingual, even if I hope to be one day. I've shown the story to my English teacher but he must have missed some of my mistakes. Also, I put spaces with punctuation because this is how we do in French. I do it automatically, without really thinking about it and it kind of feels weird and wrong for me not to do it. I never really thought that it could bother English-speaking readers but I can totally erase them.
I will keep on posting my story the way it was originally written and I hope you will find the time to review it. In this way, I would be able to improve it thanks to your suggestions once you have read everything, if you don't mind doing that of course. However, I am leaving tomorrow morning (it is 12pm here in France) because I am travelling to the USA so I probably won't be able to post much for the next two weeks.
Anyway, thank you again for your comment ! Have a good day or night, depends on when you are reading this.
Coralie
Your English is really good, especially as a second language, so pro points there! Don't be discouraged at all.