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EnnaStark
Hm... some of this was a bit interesting. The chapter was a little disjointed but altogether it was good. The pacing is good and the descriptions are better in this chapter, but you could still expand a tiny bit more.
9 years agoReply
Monos Alba
I think the description you gave us of the library was good, maybe you could give more on the people. I do find the beginning a bit random. What caused Protag to start thinking of that? Did her report mention drugs, or someone in the library mentioning depression? Also, the 'emerald eyes' bit... Maybe I've had too many requests on reviewing Romances, but I've seen this description a lot. Pretty overused in my opinion, try going with something else to describe the guy's greens, like teal-green or field green. Overall, this is a fine chapter.
9 years agoReply
alylalalyssa
crap I forgot the eyes. the emerald was just random (hard to explain. um some sort of word vomit? lol) . . . and I kept picturing him as a brown-eyed god. thank you! haha.
9 years agoReply
Your narrative is clear and crisp and thr story progresses at a fairly quick pace, which i liked a lot. Good job! But maybe you could work a little on the descriptions of places and people? I think it'd aid the narrative. All in all, a good chapter
9 years agoReply
alylalalyssa
thank you thank you! (repeat about 1000000000 times) thanks for the advice and I really, really (repeat about 1000000000 times again) appreciate it. :D
9 years agoReply
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