I really like your implementation of music, as the track seems to fit with your story very well. I see that you are a favourite of visualism, and I must say that you are fantastic at it. This piece gives me a sort of 'vague-yet-understandable' feel, if that makes any sense. If you plan on doing any more of this, I fully support you. Just, try to use paragraphs next time.
I plan to do more little stories with Nujabe, i just wrote it in the spur of the moment, so going over it now i found some pretty horrible mistakes. But I am glad you enjoyed it.