This looks like a lot of fun and your summary totally intrigued me! Your writing style is swift and jumpy enough to keep the action moving smoothly. The only things I would suggest are to work on where your dialogue and paragraphs split up. Also I would love to see a little more description. Like Danien has a cute grin but what makes it cute? Is there a gap in his front teeth? Does he have dimples? Little images like those really add up to help developing a character. But all in all I am enjoying this! Onto the next chapter!
The only things I would suggest are to work on where your dialogue and paragraphs split up. Also I would love to see a little more description. Like Danien has a cute grin but what makes it cute? Is there a gap in his front teeth? Does he have dimples? Little images like those really add up to help developing a character. But all in all I am enjoying this! Onto the next chapter!