Thank you so much, I really appreciate your kind words, it means a lot! I completely understand wanting to keep that chapter as it is, especially since it’s special to you and well-loved by readers.
Also, I wanted to let you know that I’ve completed feedback on three more chapters. If you’d like me to share them, just let me know, I’d be happy to send them over anytime.
Looking forward to possibly working together again in the future!

I’m really glad the feedback helped! I actually offer more in-depth beta reading where I go deeper into structure, character development, and line-by-line clarity.If you’re interested, I can take on your next chapters or the full manuscript.I’m glad the chapters are done! Just to confirm, would you like me to stop here for now, or is there anything else you’d like me to help you with?

ok

Hey, I took my time going through your chapter and left detailed notes to help strengthen it. If you’d like me to continue with the next chapters or go deeper (line edits, full manuscript review, etc.), I’d be happy to help.

First ImpressionsWhat stood out immediately was how much personality Hikari has. She’s sharp, protective, and clearly carrying a lot under the surface. The dynamic between her, Bakugo, and Midoriya feels familiar but with your own spin, I like that she’s not just a passive presence between them. She has her own agenda and her own temper, which makes her feel active rather than reactive.
The opening text exchange made me smile. “Of course he’s chasing villains before breakfast…” felt like a very real, slightly exasperated friend response. That grounded the world in a nice, casual way before things got heavier.
What’s Working WellYour dialogue is snappy and natural. The back-and-forth between Hikari and Bakugo at the gate had real chemistry, “Don’t try to blow up anything while we attend class today Ka-chan” felt exactly like something someone would say to a childhood friend they know too well.
I also think you handled Hikari’s anger really well. The moment where the atmosphere shifts and the gas starts to rise, that had weight. I could feel the room changing. And her line “I frightened myself too” was genuinely affecting. That’s a vulnerable admission, and it lands because you let the scene breathe for a second before she jumps back into action.
The parallel between Hikari flipping her All Might poster and Midoriya having his notebook destroyed is subtle but effective. Both of them are dealing with complicated feelings about heroism and worth, just in different ways.
Where It Could ImproveThere are a few places where I got a little confused or felt like the scene jumped too quickly.
The transition from the classroom chaos to “My office. NOW.” felt abrupt. I had to reread to figure out who was speaking, I’m assuming it was a teacher? If so, giving them just a line of description (even just “the homeroom teacher’s voice cut through the room”) would help ground that moment.
The scene in the teacher’s office also felt a little rushed. Hikari mentions her dad and getting things erased, which seems like a big deal, but it comes and goes so fast that I wasn’t sure how to read it. Is her dad someone important? Is this a hint at a larger backstory? If so, I’d love a tiny bit more there, just a breadcrumb to hold onto.
Also, the line “Subsequently, Hikari walked past the classroom and halted” felt a bit formal compared to the rest of your prose. It pulled me out for a second. Something like “Later, Hikari passed the classroom and stopped” would keep the flow smoother.
CharactersHikari is your strongest presence here. I get a clear sense of her: protective, hot-headed, a little scared of her own power, and deeply loyal. Her flipping the All Might poster and her “I frightened myself too” moment both hint at some internal conflict I’d love to see explored more.
Bakugo feels very in-character, arrogant, threatened, and hiding his hurt underneath aggression. His voice cracking when he learns Hikari didn’t apply to UA was a great beat. That’s the first moment we see him genuinely vulnerable, and it worked.
Midoriya is a little harder to read here. He feels more reactive than active in this scene, which might be intentional given the context, but I’d love one moment where he stands his ground in a way that shows his growth or resolve more clearly. His line “I won’t lose her as a friend. That’s what it means to be one” is good, but it comes right after Bakugo shoves him, and it reads a little passive. Maybe give him a moment where he says it before the shove, or where he gets back up in a way that shows quiet defiance.
Pacing & FlowThe first half flows really well, the text exchange, the morning routine, Bakugo at the gate. Everything feels natural and unhurried.
The middle section (from the classroom confrontation through the office scene) moves very fast. A lot happens in a short space: Hikari gets angry twice, uses her powers twice, gets called to the office, has a conversation, and then leaves. I think you could slow this down and let each beat land. The office scene, in particular, feels like it deserves more space, it’s a moment where a teacher could actually challenge Hikari in a meaningful way, and right now it wraps up a little quickly.
The ending (fountain scene and texts) brings the energy back down nicely. I liked the quietness of her healing Midoriya and the text exchange with Bakugo. That felt like a good emotional reset.
Writing & ClarityA few small things I noticed:
“villanis” in the first text should be “villains”
“waken up” should be “woken up” or just “wake up”
“His voce cracked” should be “His voice cracked”
“scrawny whisper of betrayal” is a really interesting phrase, but I’m not entirely sure what “scrawny whisper” means here. I think I get the intention, something thin and unexpected, but it reads a little oddly.
There are a few places where punctuation is missing around dialogue, especially when tags come after quotes. Nothing major, just a consistency thing to polish later.
SuggestionsAdd a small transition into the office scene. Even a line like “The homeroom teacher’s voice sliced through the chaos” would help orient the reader.
Expand the office scene slightly. Let the teacher push back a little more, and let Hikari reveal just a bit more about why she’s so protective of Midoriya or what’s going on with her dad. Doesn’t need to be a full exposition dump, just a line or two.
Give Midoriya one active moment. Maybe he steps between Hikari and Bakugo during the gravity moment, or he’s the one who helps her calm down instead of just saying “it’s okay.” Right now he feels a little sidelined in his own emotional arc.
Slow down the classroom confrontation. You’ve got two power moments from Hikari back-to-back (gas, then gravity). Consider letting the first one land, giving the room a second to react, and then having Bakugo say something that pushes her over the edge into the second. Right now it blurs together a little.
Revisit the fountain scene for a little more emotional weight. Midoriya’s notebook is destroyed, which is a huge deal for him, but the scene moves quickly to her healing him and then walking. Let them sit with that loss for a moment. What does he say? How does she react to seeing something so important to him ruined?
Closing ThoughtsI really enjoyed this. Hikari is a compelling character, and her dynamic with both Bakugo and Midoriya feels layered and worth exploring. You’ve got a strong handle on dialogue and emotional beats, and the moments where her temper slips are genuinely tense in a way that works for the story.
If you do another pass, I’d love to see you give the quieter moments a little more room, the office scene, the fountain, even the morning routine. Those are where we really get to know Hikari outside of her anger, and I think they’ll make the explosive moments hit even harder.
I’d be happy to look at a revised version if you end up tightening things up. No pressure at all, just genuinely curious to see where this goes. Thanks for sharing it with me.