Dear Author here is my feedback for first chapter
, so if you find my feedback helpful and you want me to continue you can contact me via my gmail [email protected]

Hi wonderful author, your book has incredible potential and deserves even more readers. Many authors like you have reached millions of readers with our assistance, and I would love to help you too. If it's okay with you, let's talk on Discord at @marry450 or Gmail [email protected] 

"Really sorry to everyone who is actually reading this story I know I updates like in once a month but I am trying to be faster I promise T-T, thanks a lot to everyone who read this story, love you!!"- A silly apologetic message from the author -_-.

Your point of view is excellent, and I truly enjoyed your story. By the way, do you upload your work on any other platforms so I can easily follow up there?

Overall First ImpressionThis is an intriguing concept with strong YA fantasy potential. The opening is emotionally gripping, the protagonist’s pain feels raw and immediate. The premise of a suicidal teen being pulled into a supernatural mission to save the world creates compelling stakes. However, the execution currently struggles with clarity issues, grammatical errors, and pacing that rushes through crucial moments.
StrengthsEmotional opening – The first paragraph is visceral and effective. The imagery of darkness, tears, and the “poison” seeping through veins sets a powerful tone.
Unique worldbuilding concept – The layered structure (down world, middle world, upper world) and the idea of Hucia as magical keys is creative and has room for rich exploration.
High stakes – The protagonist being chosen because she “picked the Nome of this century” creates mystery and a sense of destiny.
Atmospheric descriptions – Moments like the “crescent moon” and “gnarled branches of the Big Mango tree” show strong sensory writing.
Areas for Improvement1. Grammar & Sentence StructureThere are numerous run-on sentences, comma splices, and inconsistent tense shifts. A few examples:
“I sat there, my heart heavier than the weight of the years I’d lived.” → Clean, effective. But later:
“I gazed at the object I was reclining on, enveloped in a dense, dark green cloud mist resembling a fluffy cotton candy., I was observing these mystical things.” → This should be two sentences, and the comma before “I was observing” is incorrect.
Suggestion: Read through carefully for comma splices and run-ons. Breaking long sentences into shorter, clearer ones will improve readability.
2. Clarity & ConsistencySeveral moments are confusing or contradictory:
The protagonist’s wrist is bleeding from a blade, but after entering the gate, this injury is never mentioned again. Does it heal? Is it part of her physical body?
The timeline of passing out and waking up is muddled. She blacks out, wakes under the stars, then later “the last thing I saw was that guy smirking” appears twice in slightly different versions.
Suggestion: Track the protagonist’s physical state and sequence of events carefully. Create a timeline to ensure continuity.
3. Info-DumpingThe short girl’s explanation of Hucia, the worlds, and the mission is very dense. It comes across as a large chunk of exposition that may overwhelm readers.
Suggestion: Spread this information across scenes. Let the protagonist discover things gradually through action, dialogue, and small revelations rather than one long speech.
CharacterizationProtagonist – Her emotional state is well-established at the start, but once she enters the fantasy world, her voice becomes more passive. She mostly asks questions while others explain. For a fifteen-year-old who just attempted suicide, she adapts to seeing green-skinned people and a divine voice with surprising calm.
Suggestion: Give her more agency and emotional reactions. Let her resist, argue, or break down. Her trauma should color how she responds to this new world.
Tis & Other Protectors – Their dialogue feels functional (delivering information) rather than distinct. The green-haired girl, the short girl, and the muscular man don’t yet have clear personalities.
Suggestion: Give each protector a distinct voice, mannerism, or attitude. Show friction between them beyond debating who should be her Yahuru.
Worldbuilding/SettingThe layered worlds (down/middle/upper) and the concept of Hucia are imaginative. The “green people” as protectors is visually striking. However, the rules feel underdeveloped:
What exactly is a Yahuru? What does Tis’s role entail?
What does “picking the Nome” mean? Why does it make her chosen?
How does the black Hucia “contact wrong signals”?
Suggestion: Clarify the magic system’s basic rules. You don’t need to explain everything upfront, but readers need enough to understand what’s at stake and why this specific girl matters.
DialogueSome dialogue feels natural (“You are a human, right?” has a nice dry tone). However, much of it is expository:
“You must seek out the other Hucia. Good luck, child.”
This sounds formal and doesn’t match the earlier casual tone of the divine voice laughing at being called God.
Suggestion: Read dialogue aloud. Ask: would a real person (or deity) say it this way? Vary sentence length and add interruptions, hesitation, or emotion.
Pacing & StructureThe story moves very quickly once the gate appears. The opening lingers beautifully on the protagonist’s despair, but the transition into the fantasy world feels rushed. Key moments, meeting Tis, hearing God’s voice, receiving the mission, happen one after another without breathing room.
Suggestion: Slow down. Let the protagonist (and reader) sit with each revelation. Add moments of quiet, confusion, or sensory detail between major beats.
Final ThoughtsYou have the foundation of a compelling YA fantasy with an emotionally complex protagonist and a richly imaginative world. The blend of real-world pain with magical responsibility is a strong hook. Right now, the manuscript would benefit most from:
A thorough line edit for grammar and sentence clarity
Spreading out exposition so the worldbuilding unfolds more naturally
Deepening character voices and giving the protagonist more agency
Tightening continuity around the protagonist’s physical state and sequence of events
With revision, this could become a gripping start to a larger story. If you’d like, I can help with a line edit of a specific section or work through the opening chapters with you. Just let me know!