Alright, I finished the first chapter. You did good on starting the story in the midst of the action. It gives the readers questions which are paramount for gaining their interest. Why is General Lenz being arrested? Why is Colonel Lisa betraying the general? Why was the general, Stefen, and the Belgium President working together? What is this power that Willed-Head/Stone-Cold/Alvin Richter has? What's the deal with the voice inside Alvin's head? These are good questions/mysteries that can help get a reader's attention, so good job on that.
Now, for the areas of improvement. Because of your wonderful contest to help promote other writers, I decided to help you out with this one chapter by suggesting edits. This took a long time, so unfortunately, I can only do it for this one chapter. You're welcome to use the suggested edits or ignore them. It's your story, after all. However, my two main concerns with the writing is the grammar and dialog tags.
For grammar, I highly suggest using a program like Grammarly or Pro-Writing Aid. They won't solve all problems, but they can really help you catch things that you might have missed. I noticed there were a lot of forgotten spaces and 'I's' that were not capitalized. Make sure to always proof-read your story for these errors before officially publishing a chapter.
As for dialog tags. The vast majority of your tags should be: 'person said' and 'person asked'. Sometimes, you can establish someone is talking without a tag. For example, rather than writing: 'Lisa said with a sigh' you can instead write: 'Lisa sighed.' the dialog that follows will be understood to be Lisa talking.
Like I said earlier, these were my main two issues. Overall, I feel like you have a good setup for your story. Great work, and keep it up. :)
@Jennie [ A.N ], I forgot to mention that YouTube is another great resource for finding videos to help you on improving your writing skills.
I personally reccommend the YouTube channel 'Jerry B. Jenkins' (link: https://www.youtube.com/@NovelistJerryJenkins). This is where I found myself getting the most help with my own writing and it is an invaluable resource. I highly suggest checking out his videos when you have some spare time. He has one of the best videos I've found on how to properly write dialog.
thank you so much Mr. Mal Batu. I really appreciate that you recognized the flaws and guided me towards the right. I am very grateful to you. And thank you for the support. Please if you don't mind could you give a review of all chapters in the comment section to motivate my story.
然後按「加至主畫面」
Now, for the areas of improvement. Because of your wonderful contest to help promote other writers, I decided to help you out with this one chapter by suggesting edits. This took a long time, so unfortunately, I can only do it for this one chapter. You're welcome to use the suggested edits or ignore them. It's your story, after all. However, my two main concerns with the writing is the grammar and dialog tags.
For grammar, I highly suggest using a program like Grammarly or Pro-Writing Aid. They won't solve all problems, but they can really help you catch things that you might have missed. I noticed there were a lot of forgotten spaces and 'I's' that were not capitalized. Make sure to always proof-read your story for these errors before officially publishing a chapter.
As for dialog tags. The vast majority of your tags should be: 'person said' and 'person asked'. Sometimes, you can establish someone is talking without a tag. For example, rather than writing: 'Lisa said with a sigh' you can instead write: 'Lisa sighed.' the dialog that follows will be understood to be Lisa talking.
Like I said earlier, these were my main two issues. Overall, I feel like you have a good setup for your story. Great work, and keep it up. :)
I personally reccommend the YouTube channel 'Jerry B. Jenkins' (link: https://www.youtube.com/@NovelistJerryJenkins). This is where I found myself getting the most help with my own writing and it is an invaluable resource. I highly suggest checking out his videos when you have some spare time. He has one of the best videos I've found on how to properly write dialog.