I like the start. It has a great hook. I've been hoping to find a story that broke away from the traditional plots that many of the stories on this site have. I'll keep reading to see how this plays out. Sounds like it could be fun.
Writing-wise, I didn't find too many issues that slowed me down. However, if you'll allow me to critique this just a bit, I feel you missed a great opportunity to flesh out these two characters more. What the woman is doing is rather bold and bizarre, and I feel that you should have delved deeper into her introduction and how Chase and her interact. How did she know Chase was parentless? Although the woman helped Chase, I think he would have been more hesitant and required more persuasion to agree to her proposal. I would imagine that he wouldn't have much trust in other people, considering his situation. In other words, I think the scene would stand out a bit more if there was a little more back-and-forth interrogation between the two. It could help show clues to their personalities.
Don't take this as me bashing the story. There's a lot of potential in this first chapter that I think you could tap into to really ensnare first-time readers. I wouldn't bother offering advice unless I thought it worth the time. However, you have me intrigued, so I'm going to keep reading. I love the plot setup. You've established interesting questions that tickle my curiosity. I feel like I've got to see how this unfolds. Great job! :)
Thanks for reading. I'm glad the story's interested you.
Honestly, the first 20 chapters were short pieces I did as part of a writing exercise (random daily word limits) so a lot was left out.
I do agree with you. I started editing and fleshing out some of these parts a while back. But I've put the edits on hold to finish the story itself. (This is the 7th book I've attempted over 10 years and it's the furthest I've gotten). I didn't think about their personalities much outside of this first interaction so you might notice some discrepancies later.
Some of the questions you have are answered later in the story. Though I think the story's run on for too long, so some chapters or bits will get cut out later.
Thanks for the feedback. You're right, I've got a lot of improvements and tweaks to make. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.
@Saurna, Ah! I see. In that case, I'll try to hold my critiques back until after you've finished the editing phase (unless you want me to continue offering advice). Actually, you just focusing on getting the story finished first is a good thing. I commend the effort. Over seventy chapters is pretty amazing. I wished I had that ability. It takes me ages to finish one chapter. Granted, I post the chapter after I finish the second revision generally, so that does tend to take longer.
Regardless, you just keep at it. I'm still pretty interested in the story so far. Like I said in this comment, I really appreciate the different style of plot you're going after in this one. It's not a romance, super hero, or assassin-filled thriller. It's different, with a more wholesome approach which I'm strangely in the mood for. Great job once again. :)
@Jay Ellis, Please, keep the critiques coming. It's refreshing, sometimes I'm not sure if I'm judging myself fairly. Thank you. I've noticed my writing focus is just under 1k words, so I try to publish whatever I have around the mark to reset my brain.
Wow, it's cool that you can get through 2 revisions before publishing. Pretty cool focus you have.
Haha, yeah one of the family stories I wanted to tell. Thanks.
I cant wait to find out what us the reason behind choosing chase and who thT woman is. Well if somebody had offered me that kind of think i would tell my parents, mom dad im going for a niceholiday for a week. Gonna earn money Well guy keep ot up you're writing is amazing and full of suspense.
Writing-wise, I didn't find too many issues that slowed me down. However, if you'll allow me to critique this just a bit, I feel you missed a great opportunity to flesh out these two characters more. What the woman is doing is rather bold and bizarre, and I feel that you should have delved deeper into her introduction and how Chase and her interact. How did she know Chase was parentless? Although the woman helped Chase, I think he would have been more hesitant and required more persuasion to agree to her proposal. I would imagine that he wouldn't have much trust in other people, considering his situation. In other words, I think the scene would stand out a bit more if there was a little more back-and-forth interrogation between the two. It could help show clues to their personalities.
Don't take this as me bashing the story. There's a lot of potential in this first chapter that I think you could tap into to really ensnare first-time readers. I wouldn't bother offering advice unless I thought it worth the time. However, you have me intrigued, so I'm going to keep reading. I love the plot setup. You've established interesting questions that tickle my curiosity. I feel like I've got to see how this unfolds. Great job! :)
Honestly, the first 20 chapters were short pieces I did as part of a writing exercise (random daily word limits) so a lot was left out.
I do agree with you. I started editing and fleshing out some of these parts a while back. But I've put the edits on hold to finish the story itself. (This is the 7th book I've attempted over 10 years and it's the furthest I've gotten). I didn't think about their personalities much outside of this first interaction so you might notice some discrepancies later.
Some of the questions you have are answered later in the story. Though I think the story's run on for too long, so some chapters or bits will get cut out later.
Thanks for the feedback. You're right, I've got a lot of improvements and tweaks to make. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.
Regardless, you just keep at it. I'm still pretty interested in the story so far. Like I said in this comment, I really appreciate the different style of plot you're going after in this one. It's not a romance, super hero, or assassin-filled thriller. It's different, with a more wholesome approach which I'm strangely in the mood for. Great job once again. :)
Wow, it's cool that you can get through 2 revisions before publishing. Pretty cool focus you have.
Haha, yeah one of the family stories I wanted to tell. Thanks.
Well guy keep ot up you're writing is amazing and full of suspense.
Thank you, I'm glad you're enjoying the story.