Just want to start with how much i love the plot and the genre choice. I also really really enjoy the overall character diolog and the MC vibe. (*SPOILERS* Read it then this comment if you really want.)
Flow- the flow is really really strong in the beginning it feels less like a book and more like a first episode and i love that, with the episodic vibe comes the need for world building info packages and thats where flow can take a hit, its really strong dropping the satanicly sacraficed parents, but reference to it with no new or added detail zaps its strength so id go over that section and really say it outloud to hear the way it trips itself while being read. "The feeling in your stomach" its a great way to make a reader immediately recall a moment like that and place them where you need them, but it can be repetitive a good substitute is the chest, and spine/back. Also your MC seems like they beleive in ghost or magic, but at times seems to be too routed in disbeleif. towards the end i loved the "what did they crawl out of their graves and go 'boo'?" Line, but she repremands him for beleiving they might be actual ghost or spectors, seeing as she beleives in Min and Yana abilities and all its a hard line to walk between making a skeptical character and a cautious one. Name dropping is perfect, but too many even if they are dead will be too much to carry usually, but with the episodic feel you made it really easy to give their short basic bio as internal monolog of the MC and that made them really easy to remember, maybe a little space between each introduction would be good if you have anymore supporting or main characters. Final note on flow less is more if you can get what im saying without the extra people tend to enjoy the statment more and it helps keep emotions carrying from line to line if it isnt there because you enjoy it id omitt it if possible because thats your flavor if your character would say the entire thing then thats what your character damnwell better say!
Plot- are you kidden me you better let me know what hell awaits belladonna(Beautiful name by the way). Okay seriously you got a real gem here you have a relatable sibling rivalry and a world that may or may not have evil magic and evil doers of said magic, and that what if would be stronger if the phrasing at the end with treys realization of needing two for one could be made more ambiguous and if you shed some light on the age of the person who just saw her parents murder and went for a walk arounf the block, maybe a run or maybe she just ran, it just seems like a leasiurely walk is what was described after the gruesome scene she must of saw. Too many crushes for one young adult love interest are great but teens deal with crushes young adults tend to deal with attachment issues lol. How to right that without being to biase or maybe just bleeding on the page a little well you got me cause im stumped, but thats my only note there. The priest it seemed rushed how trey brought them up, but also this is just the first chapter so if they are your main big bad you do want to introduce them as quick as possible. That being said it seemed like trey deemed Caleb a priest, but also there are The Priest who are gonna be the big baddies and that gets confusing towards the end. Final Plot note at the end all youre missing is "Again, Who the fuck is Caleb." That 'again' is all your strength in the statement without it may confuse some and make others assume caleb might be another character outside of the Priest even though he is one of them and not The Priest.
Overall vibe- its what we all want and miss and thats a story like supernatural with a world full of bumps in the night and people laughing drinking and chasing them.(even though they all experince terrible horros in the proccess.) Five out five pieces of gum 🍬🍬🍬🍬🍬.
Flow- the flow is really really strong in the beginning it feels less like a book and more like a first episode and i love that, with the episodic vibe comes the need for world building info packages and thats where flow can take a hit, its really strong dropping the satanicly sacraficed parents, but reference to it with no new or added detail zaps its strength so id go over that section and really say it outloud to hear the way it trips itself while being read. "The feeling in your stomach" its a great way to make a reader immediately recall a moment like that and place them where you need them, but it can be repetitive a good substitute is the chest, and spine/back. Also your MC seems like they beleive in ghost or magic, but at times seems to be too routed in disbeleif. towards the end i loved the "what did they crawl out of their graves and go 'boo'?" Line, but she repremands him for beleiving they might be actual ghost or spectors, seeing as she beleives in Min and Yana abilities and all its a hard line to walk between making a skeptical character and a cautious one. Name dropping is perfect, but too many even if they are dead will be too much to carry usually, but with the episodic feel you made it really easy to give their short basic bio as internal monolog of the MC and that made them really easy to remember, maybe a little space between each introduction would be good if you have anymore supporting or main characters. Final note on flow less is more if you can get what im saying without the extra people tend to enjoy the statment more and it helps keep emotions carrying from line to line if it isnt there because you enjoy it id omitt it if possible because thats your flavor if your character would say the entire thing then thats what your character damnwell better say!
Plot- are you kidden me you better let me know what hell awaits belladonna(Beautiful name by the way). Okay seriously you got a real gem here you have a relatable sibling rivalry and a world that may or may not have evil magic and evil doers of said magic, and that what if would be stronger if the phrasing at the end with treys realization of needing two for one could be made more ambiguous and if you shed some light on the age of the person who just saw her parents murder and went for a walk arounf the block, maybe a run or maybe she just ran, it just seems like a leasiurely walk is what was described after the gruesome scene she must of saw. Too many crushes for one young adult love interest are great but teens deal with crushes young adults tend to deal with attachment issues lol. How to right that without being to biase or maybe just bleeding on the page a little well you got me cause im stumped, but thats my only note there. The priest it seemed rushed how trey brought them up, but also this is just the first chapter so if they are your main big bad you do want to introduce them as quick as possible. That being said it seemed like trey deemed Caleb a priest, but also there are The Priest who are gonna be the big baddies and that gets confusing towards the end. Final Plot note at the end all youre missing is "Again, Who the fuck is Caleb." That 'again' is all your strength in the statement without it may confuse some and make others assume caleb might be another character outside of the Priest even though he is one of them and not The Priest.
Overall vibe- its what we all want and miss and thats a story like supernatural with a world full of bumps in the night and people laughing drinking and chasing them.(even though they all experince terrible horros in the proccess.) Five out five pieces of gum 🍬🍬🍬🍬🍬.
Cant wait for more!