Like Bubblegumgabber, my overall first impression with this prologue chapter is very positive. You manage to introduce the readers into your fictional world with a compelling grim and mysterious atmosphere that gets their attention.
Also, despite I'm not a native English speaker (I've read plenty of published works in English though), I feel that your prose is quite good and well written. I will definitely keep reading to see where this is going.
The overall Vibe check is a pass with flying colors youve snared anybody who reads with the very imagary alone and your metaphor work is gripping.
Plot is also wildly interesting the idea presented in this first chapter makes me excited to see the world youve begun to build if its leaving its origin country to go elsewhere.
You asked about flow and this is where i suffer as a writer as well especially since i also like really detailed imagery in a scene, but heres where simply less is more. The word grim is amazing an outstanding and immediate feeling placer, but after a couple of times seen it loses it punch. So a list of great words you used, but for flow sake would be good omitted or sparced out in use in coming.
1.Grim 2.Silence 3.macabre 4.Slow drag(instead of ommit this one replace it with heavy drag as a smoker slow and heavy goes hand in hand and carries the same implication for the scene if youre a FLCL fan those would be heavy/slow drags)
And also for flow it would be best to re-read and make sure full statements dont repeat too soon as too keep the impact of the first or previous phrase.(i can give specific examples from what youve written if you like.)
Overall impression is that this is worth a read and I cant wait to see where this goes!🍬🍬🍬🍬🍬
Also, despite I'm not a native English speaker (I've read plenty of published works in English though), I feel that your prose is quite good and well written. I will definitely keep reading to see where this is going.
Plot is also wildly interesting the idea presented in this first chapter makes me excited to see the world youve begun to build if its leaving its origin country to go elsewhere.
You asked about flow and this is where i suffer as a writer as well especially since i also like really detailed imagery in a scene, but heres where simply less is more. The word grim is amazing an outstanding and immediate feeling placer, but after a couple of times seen it loses it punch. So a list of great words you used, but for flow sake would be good omitted or sparced out in use in coming.
1.Grim
2.Silence
3.macabre
4.Slow drag(instead of ommit this one replace it with heavy drag as a smoker slow and heavy goes hand in hand and carries the same implication for the scene if youre a FLCL fan those would be heavy/slow drags)
And also for flow it would be best to re-read and make sure full statements dont repeat too soon as too keep the impact of the first or previous phrase.(i can give specific examples from what youve written if you like.)
Overall impression is that this is worth a read and I cant wait to see where this goes!🍬🍬🍬🍬🍬