Hello @Virgowriter! Thanks for sharing your new vision of this
best-seller with us! First of all, I loved the atmosphere you
succeeded in recreating, as in the original. From the beginning, we
can feel the fear lingering in the characters' lives in this
dystopia. Then, the references to the book are pretty relevant: same
family structure as Katniss Everdeen. The accurate details of the
gestures and the background help the reader to represent, as clearly
as an image, what the characters see and feel. Also, the exchanges
between father and daughter are really moving and explain this urge
for survival, specific to the saga, making this part a chilling
chapter. So, everyone can understand, even people who have never
heard about the Hunger Games. Moreover, the scene you describe here
takes place at sunrise when the world is still gloomy, as a metaphor
for the young life of Scotlynn, which could lead to death quickly by
the totalitarism of the system. By your fluent writing, you created a
gripping story we want to follow endlessly.

Nonethess, we have to say that for a
first chapter it’s a little bit too long. To our mind, a smaller
one could more effectively catch reader’s attention. Otherwise, we
can’t wait to see the rest of your fanfiction !
Mélanie and Célia