Your passage is compelling and emotionally rich, but here are some review points and suggestions for improvement:
Strengths:
Engaging Opening: The introduction effectively establishes Kasi’s emotional struggles and past trauma, making her a sympathetic protagonist.
Strong Sense of Place: The contrast between Detroit and the serene Chinese village adds depth to the setting.
Well-Developed Characters: Both Kasi and Wei Long are introduced with clear motivations and internal conflicts.
Emotional Depth: The themes of grief, healing, and cultural differences make for a captivating and layered narrative.
Areas for Improvement:
Sentence Clarity & Flow:
Example: "Her voice carried a haunting beauty..." → Should be "Her voice carries a haunting beauty..." to maintain consistent tense.
Suggestion: Keep the narrative tense consistent for smoother reading.
Show, Don’t Tell:
Instead of stating that Wei Long is drawn to Kasi for her authenticity, consider showing a moment where he is disillusioned by wealth but captivated by her genuine presence.
Refining the Climax Question:
Current: "Will Wei Long's relentless pursuit of Kasi's heart be enough to mend the fractures of her past?"
Suggested: "Can Wei Long’s unwavering love help Kasi heal, or will the weight of their worlds keep them apart?"
This makes it more poetic and engaging.
Final Thoughts:
Your passage is already strong, but minor tweaks in tense consistency, sentence flow, and showing rather than telling could elevate it further. Would you like help refining specific sections?
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Strengths:
Engaging Opening: The introduction effectively establishes Kasi’s emotional struggles and past trauma, making her a sympathetic protagonist.
Strong Sense of Place: The contrast between Detroit and the serene Chinese village adds depth to the setting.
Well-Developed Characters: Both Kasi and Wei Long are introduced with clear motivations and internal conflicts.
Emotional Depth: The themes of grief, healing, and cultural differences make for a captivating and layered narrative.
Areas for Improvement:
Sentence Clarity & Flow:
Example: "Her voice carried a haunting beauty..." → Should be "Her voice carries a haunting beauty..." to maintain consistent tense.
Suggestion: Keep the narrative tense consistent for smoother reading.
Show, Don’t Tell:
Instead of stating that Wei Long is drawn to Kasi for her authenticity, consider showing a moment where he is disillusioned by wealth but captivated by her genuine presence.
Refining the Climax Question:
Current: "Will Wei Long's relentless pursuit of Kasi's heart be enough to mend the fractures of her past?"
Suggested: "Can Wei Long’s unwavering love help Kasi heal, or will the weight of their worlds keep them apart?"
This makes it more poetic and engaging.
Final Thoughts:
Your passage is already strong, but minor tweaks in tense consistency, sentence flow, and showing rather than telling could elevate it further. Would you like help refining specific sections?