Your passage has a strong foundation for an engaging fantasy narrative, but it could benefit from refinements in clarity, pacing, and grammar. Here’s my review:
Strengths:
Intriguing Premise – The mix of revenge, lost family, and an unknown destiny makes for a compelling protagonist.
Mystery and World-Building – Hints about Ronin’s past, his latent powers, and a mystical land create intrigue.
Strong Character Motivation – The contrast between Ronin’s desire for peace and his unavoidable fate adds depth.
Areas for Improvement:
Grammar and Sentence Structure Issues –
“When the truth shattered his world-that the very company he worked for had torn his family apart-Ronin destroyed it, but lost everything in the process.”
→ Suggested Fix: "When the truth shattered his world—that the very company he served had torn his family apart—Ronin destroyed it, but lost everything in the process." (Clarifies sentence structure and improves readability.)
"Now, transported to a strange new world by Drax(The Mighty DragonGod) who sacrificed himself to summon him to save their world, But Ronin is no ordinary being, He has yet to realise his latent origins and powers, After traveling for a while he finds himself in care of a dwarf named Warzheil and Drax's Daughter Gloria."
→ This sentence is too long and lacks proper structure. Consider breaking it up:
Suggested Fix: "Now, Ronin finds himself in a strange new world, brought there by Drax, the Mighty Dragon God, who sacrificed himself to summon him. But Ronin is no ordinary being—he has yet to realize his latent origins and powers. After traveling for some time, he ends up in the care of a dwarf named Warzheil and Drax's daughter, Gloria."
Tense Consistency –
“After traveling for a while he finds himself in care of a dwarf…” → "After traveling for a while, he finds himself in the care of a dwarf…" (Adding the before "care" and fixing minor errors.)
Clarifying the Stakes –
“He doesn’t want war. He doesn’t want to rule. He just wants peace.” → This is great for drama, but you could add a hint of why destiny won’t let him have peace.
Alternative: "He seeks no war, no throne—only peace. But fate has other plans, and in this world of swords and spirits, peace may be the hardest battle of all." (Gives a stronger closing impact.)
Overall Verdict:
Your concept is strong and engaging, but the passage could benefit from improved grammar, sentence flow, and clearer stakes. Refining the pacing and structure will help make Ronin’s story even more immersive and gripping.
I really appreciate your help, and as you might have noticed, I am not a professional in grammar and writing. so, I really love your help in helping me improve, thanks a lot.
@Danielle Ferraro, although my grammar might not be perfect, I’ve been writing fantasy novels on my own for 8 years. I only recently started posting on digital platforms to see if my stories are compelling. So far, my story has been well received.
然後按「加至主畫面」
Strengths:
Intriguing Premise – The mix of revenge, lost family, and an unknown destiny makes for a compelling protagonist.
Mystery and World-Building – Hints about Ronin’s past, his latent powers, and a mystical land create intrigue.
Strong Character Motivation – The contrast between Ronin’s desire for peace and his unavoidable fate adds depth.
Areas for Improvement:
Grammar and Sentence Structure Issues –
“When the truth shattered his world-that the very company he worked for had torn his family apart-Ronin destroyed it, but lost everything in the process.”
→ Suggested Fix: "When the truth shattered his world—that the very company he served had torn his family apart—Ronin destroyed it, but lost everything in the process." (Clarifies sentence structure and improves readability.)
"Now, transported to a strange new world by Drax(The Mighty DragonGod) who sacrificed himself to summon him to save their world, But Ronin is no ordinary being, He has yet to realise his latent origins and powers, After traveling for a while he finds himself in care of a dwarf named Warzheil and Drax's Daughter Gloria."
→ This sentence is too long and lacks proper structure. Consider breaking it up:
Suggested Fix: "Now, Ronin finds himself in a strange new world, brought there by Drax, the Mighty Dragon God, who sacrificed himself to summon him. But Ronin is no ordinary being—he has yet to realize his latent origins and powers. After traveling for some time, he ends up in the care of a dwarf named Warzheil and Drax's daughter, Gloria."
Tense Consistency –
“After traveling for a while he finds himself in care of a dwarf…” → "After traveling for a while, he finds himself in the care of a dwarf…" (Adding the before "care" and fixing minor errors.)
Clarifying the Stakes –
“He doesn’t want war. He doesn’t want to rule. He just wants peace.” → This is great for drama, but you could add a hint of why destiny won’t let him have peace.
Alternative: "He seeks no war, no throne—only peace. But fate has other plans, and in this world of swords and spirits, peace may be the hardest battle of all." (Gives a stronger closing impact.)
Overall Verdict:
Your concept is strong and engaging, but the passage could benefit from improved grammar, sentence flow, and clearer stakes. Refining the pacing and structure will help make Ronin’s story even more immersive and gripping.