This passage does a solid job of introducing Kalindi McCall (Kali) and setting up her character traits, interests, and relationships. It effectively establishes her as an outsider with unique passions, including karate, video games, and Power Rangers history. The connection to her best friend, Devon Daniels, adds depth to her character by showing shared experiences and struggles.
A few things you might consider improving:
Show, Don’t Tell – Instead of stating that she "always felt like an outsider," you could show this through interactions or specific experiences. For example, maybe she was teased for her interests or struggled to find like-minded friends.
Avoid Stereotypes – The phrase “things people wouldn’t expect a typical young adult girl to be into” suggests that liking karate and video games is unusual for a girl. While this might reflect Kali’s personal perception, it might be worth rewording to avoid reinforcing outdated gender norms.
Sentence Flow & Clarity – The transition to "That’s the whole reason why she got into karate in the first place" is slightly repetitive. It could be streamlined to something like, “Her love for Power Rangers was what first led her to karate.” Similarly, the phrase “but in completely different ways” at the end could be more specific or intriguing—perhaps hinting at how their dreams differ.
Overall, this passage has a strong character setup and an engaging premise. With a few refinements, it could feel even more immersive and polished!
I appreciate the feedback! This is just simply an intro/description of the story. The stereotype is part of a personal experience that I felt growing up (I’ve always been into video games and comics and superheroes and have always hated make-up/being fancy) so in a way Kali is partly a reflection of myself.
@Danielle Ferraro, I mainly just write for myself and share it. I don't really write for readers or likes. I just write because it's a story I want to read :)
然後按「加至主畫面」
A few things you might consider improving:
Show, Don’t Tell – Instead of stating that she "always felt like an outsider," you could show this through interactions or specific experiences. For example, maybe she was teased for her interests or struggled to find like-minded friends.
Avoid Stereotypes – The phrase “things people wouldn’t expect a typical young adult girl to be into” suggests that liking karate and video games is unusual for a girl. While this might reflect Kali’s personal perception, it might be worth rewording to avoid reinforcing outdated gender norms.
Sentence Flow & Clarity – The transition to "That’s the whole reason why she got into karate in the first place" is slightly repetitive. It could be streamlined to something like, “Her love for Power Rangers was what first led her to karate.” Similarly, the phrase “but in completely different ways” at the end could be more specific or intriguing—perhaps hinting at how their dreams differ.
Overall, this passage has a strong character setup and an engaging premise. With a few refinements, it could feel even more immersive and polished!