Comments - Humanity Chains - Phase Harmony

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J Maxwell Cross

by accepting (his, an or the) office. This is a minor suggestion. Otherwise, its OK as is.

2 years agoReply

J Maxwell Cross

Very complex sentence: "I had not prepared myself... (instead knew how to give me) is a run-on phrase and awkward in this context. Please consider rewording. I'm not sure how to fix it.

2 years agoReply

bokuwaKomorebi

"For
the umpteenth time I had to contradict myself, for resigned to facing death. For
the umpteenth time I had to contradict myself, for resigned to facing death. I wasn't
prepared to face the joy that those bright green eyes staring at me, confused
and frightened, knew how to give me, set in that face now relaxed and fragile
again." Better?

2 years agoReply

J Maxwell Cross

I don't know the word, riastharta.

2 years agoReply

bokuwaKomorebi

A gaelic word, from the original tale of Cu Chulainn. It indicates the tipical fury of the hero, a sort of berserk phase.

2 years agoReply

J Maxwell Cross

a good "thought" better, "idea" Thoughts typically are more random. Ideas are more focused.

2 years agoReply

J Maxwell Cross

"Those protections" in paragraph 2 is too generic, maybe something more specific is recommended. That kind of armor.