Comments - Humanity Chains - Phase Harmony

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J Maxwell Cross

You started two sentences in a row ith "Christelle was" This creates an unatural pause for the reader at the beginning of the second sentence.

2 years agoReply

bokuwaKomorebi

It's in purpose. Try to act the scene, it works.

2 years agoReply

J Maxwell Cross

"move heaven and earth" has been a cliche since 1885. Typically publishers do not like clinches unless there is critical reason to the story for using one. I avoid them like the plague.

2 years agoReply

bokuwaKomorebi

"I hate cliché", said the publisher producing the 1478th story about a vampire :D

Seriously, the person telling the story is no writer. He's someone telling something to someone. He's a soldier not a writer. In book 3, the narrative changes as the narrator changes. It's normal for a person to speak like that.

2 years agoReply

J Maxwell Cross

Again, check the punctuation rules for an elipsis . . .

2 years agoReply

J Maxwell Cross

"This shit's bad... add the 's

2 years agoReply

J Maxwell Cross

"And with that... Better: "And that makes.. Or "And that one makes...

2 years agoReply

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