I finally got around to checking out some of your works, and I must say I'm looking forward to an update on this! So far it's kept me on the edge of my seat while still retaining that cartoonish charm. (Side note, I could totally see Reece becoming business rivals with Aaron from my story, lol.)
Aww! Thanks! I'm so glad you can see the cartoonish side to it, because I was hoping I showed that aspect of the story enough. Also I totally agree with that last note about Reece being a rival of your character, Aaron. I can totally see that as well!
So I have some edit suggestions within story but I think it’s disabled. Overall I see grammar and a few word use issues. I also thought some sentences were too short but maybe that is properly efficient for your younger target audience. The story itself is well paced and I always wondered how to write horror properly. I read it without pausing or questioning anything, eager for the next and next part.
In line commentary;
Why would she consider working at a burger joint the luckiest thing ever?
I truly do not comprehend how they could leave Sarah alive overnight in the dumpster! Why would they wait for another day to get rid of her?
The employee saying the job place was starting to get crowded (although only one person was just hired) does not make sense to me.
You didn’t previously indicate that Casey was in a sour mood, so I think you might want to say she became in a sour mood or maybe she was in an agitated/ nervous mood.
The first part with Sarah sounds like an intro or prologue… maybe you could separate it like this only If you want.
I really wouldn’t trust a person standing outdoors who simply calls out to me for a job. It doesn’t seem realistic. Why would the manager be waiting outside to hire someone? How did she know Casey just came from an interview? Makes more sense for Casey to stumble upon the for hire sign instead.
I think you should make the entire interview dialogue sound more professional. She needs to ask for resume and speak in standard English without being so casual. You should perhaps indicate that the stack of papers is a job contract or employee job description? Just to make the elements of the story more credible. She also shouldn’t refer to the potential employee as ‘kid’.
And Casey came Absolutely unprepared for an interview! She’s not presenting herself well. ‘sort of did so and so’ instead of stating her previous job roles and ‘does that count’ ‘is that the only position’ does not sound good. I personally wouldn’t hire her...
A lot of characters stutter or start off the sentence with ‘oh.’ I think you should limit it generally or leave it as a defining trait for a single character.
That's all my suggestions. I will definitely be reading the next chapter. I have absolutely no idea what the secret is and i wanna know Buuut is it the cliché cannibal joint??? -.-' is it? Na, I trust your story skills.
Ooh, I really liked some of you're points. I don't want to go discrediting you or anything, but for most of your questions and critiques I have explanations. For your first in line commentary I would like to bring up that Sarah is homeless. Honestly any job she could land would be great in her eyes, because she was living on the streets. Did I not explain that well? I will be going back to read over my story with many of you're points in mind. Anyways your second point points out how weird it is that they left Sarah overnight in the dumpster. Well, let me first say did you notice how I mentioned a trash eating monster in the description? What I'm trying to say is, she isn't still in the dumpster. Okay, your next point is about the diner being unrealistically crowded. Well, it definitely, might be my fault for not explaining this well enough. What happened is, the diner was already full and they decided to squeeze someone else in because the person was very desperate, but they decide they cannot make an exception now, with the diner thoroughly crowded. I think the next point you make is completely true and helpful. The one about Casey not previously being described as in a bad mood. I'll definitely add that in. As well as your following point about the beginning seeming like a prologue. I'll fix those two things. I also understand your next point about the weirdness of the manager waiting outside and Casey just trusting her. What I'm trying to convey about these people is that they are both desperate to solve a problem. Casey needs to get a job because she's about 5 minutes from being thrown out of her apartment. The manager needs to find a cashier quick (it is explained later on why cashiers play a vital role at the restaurant). As for why the manager was outside in the first place, I have no explanation for that. She's just weird I guess, she was probably sweeping the concrete or something. I'll probably add that in to explain her being outside. Or, I'll take your advice and change it completely. You're next point is about the manager not being professional. Honestly, yeah, that was my intent. Do you know Fnaf? I swear I'm not a cringey fan I just can't think of anything else to compare it to. Anyways if you do know about the games, my restaurant is similar to the pizzeria in that game. The managers always hide stuff, they aren't responsible with documents, and they are typically kind of weird in general. That's what I'm trying to convey with the manager. Your next point about Casey not presenting herself well is really helpful. I thought that I probably didn't do a very good job at making her look desperate and nervous, because she wants a job. I will go back and fix some of her dialog. I also agree with your following point about a lot of people stuttering. I will limit it to only Casey and try not to throw it into lines of dialog randomly. Anyways, thank you for being very critical about the story. Most people just tell me it's great so you totally helped out. I don't mean to sound like a butt hole by trying to give explanations for everything you said. I really appreciate you and the time you took to tell me what I did well and what I didn't do so great on. Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. P.S. Oh my gosh, I would never forgive myself if I made it a cannibal restaurant. I swear I'm not that tasteless!
In line commentary;
Why would she consider working at a burger joint the luckiest thing ever?
I truly do not comprehend how they could leave Sarah alive
overnight in the dumpster! Why would they wait for another day to get rid of her?
The employee saying the job place was starting to get crowded (although only one person was just hired) does not make sense to me.
You didn’t previously indicate that Casey was in a sour mood, so I think you might want to say she became in a sour mood or maybe she was in an agitated/ nervous mood.
The first part with Sarah sounds like an intro or prologue… maybe you could separate it like this only If you want.
I really wouldn’t trust a person standing outdoors who simply calls out to me for a job. It doesn’t seem realistic. Why would the manager be waiting outside to hire someone? How did she know Casey just came from an interview? Makes more sense for Casey to stumble upon the for hire sign instead.
I think you should make the entire interview dialogue sound more professional. She needs to ask for resume and speak in standard English without being so casual. You should perhaps indicate that the stack of papers is a job contract or employee job description? Just to make the elements of the story more credible. She also shouldn’t refer to the potential employee as ‘kid’.
And Casey came Absolutely unprepared for an interview! She’s not presenting herself well. ‘sort of did so and so’ instead of stating her previous job roles and ‘does that count’ ‘is that the only position’ does not sound good. I personally wouldn’t hire her...
A lot of characters stutter or start off the sentence with ‘oh.’ I think you should limit it generally or leave it as a defining trait for a single character.
That's all my suggestions. I will definitely be reading the next chapter. I have absolutely no idea what the secret is and i wanna know Buuut is it the cliché cannibal joint??? -.-' is it? Na, I trust your story skills.
P.S. Oh my gosh, I would never forgive myself if I made it a cannibal restaurant. I swear I'm not that tasteless!