Ok, this truly has the potential to become a great and stimulating novel, and I love how you combine some otherwise dark concepts, such as suicide and death, with a more cheery, sarcastic tone. I happen to relate to this strategy well ;). I also loved, and I quote, "A man can only see clearly with tears in his eyes." Very deep. I can see some eloquent and thoughtful dialogue in your first chapter. This dialogue is essential as it establishes you as someone willing to work. Although this novel has a great first impression on me, I have some critique for you! :D You asked for it hehe. One thing I noticed in the first paragraph is that you wasted no time giving a narrative to what is going on. This rush is sometimes useful, but it is quite choppy and makes the reader struggle to follow along. I would try elongating the sentences or combining them. Extending the sentences would significantly increase the flow of the text while still accomplishing what you intend to achieve for the description of the setting.
Most engaging and successful novels have an intricate plot with many different thoughts and emotions. I noticed that your book seems to be set in 3rd-person. I would strongly encourage you to change the story to be a 3rd-person omniscient or even 1st person! This change would allow the reader to understand, feel, and connect with the main characters. Emotions and thoughts are vital to keeping the reader acclimated with the setting of the book as it sets internal and external conflict. I can tell that your book is going to have a struggle with moral ethics and good controversial topics such as suicide and euthanasia. I would suggest adding a way for the readers to know the thoughts and emotions of what is going on inside "Cherons" mind as she seems quite jaded and sarcastic. This most always hints at a tragic story behind her comical frontal appearance.
Some grammatical errors for you ;) The first paragraph has some spacing errors as each new line of dialogue, and indentation is supposed to make alternate characters talking easier to understand who is speaking. It isn't a significant error, but it helps readers to understand who is talking. Also, I wouldn't advise putting dialogue individually one after another, such as: "Hello, Walker! I haven't seen you in forever!" "Oh, hey, Chloe!" "So, how have you been?" "Good!" I would suggest adding some indicative signs of action. Ex: Chloe smiled happily and jumped up and down, "Hello, Walker!" Walker turned her head to her, surprise, "Oh, hey, Chloe!" Chloe walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "So, how have you been?" Walker slowly nodded and almost looked through Chloe, "Good, good..."
Honestly, that is about it on the characters. You have come up with some complex traits for the characters, so I hope you are ready for that kind of commitment, haha. Sarcasm is very hard for some writers to master, and you have done it quite well. Overall this is a good start for a novel-in-progress. I hope to see more from you in the future, and I would love to edit and help you in making this novel. You are very humble about this great work! I hope this answered any questions you had and helped you! ~Ramsus :)
Ah!! Thank you, thank you so much!! This is the most critical feedback I've ever gotten online, and I will definitely be taking all of it into account going forward. I also am very excited to read the rest of your work. Thanks again!
Most engaging and successful novels have an intricate plot with many different thoughts and emotions. I noticed that your book seems to be set in 3rd-person. I would strongly encourage you to change the story to be a 3rd-person omniscient or even 1st person! This change would allow the reader to understand, feel, and connect with the main characters. Emotions and thoughts are vital to keeping the reader acclimated with the setting of the book as it sets internal and external conflict. I can tell that your book is going to have a struggle with moral ethics and good controversial topics such as suicide and euthanasia. I would suggest adding a way for the readers to know the thoughts and emotions of what is going on inside "Cherons" mind as she seems quite jaded and sarcastic. This most always hints at a tragic story behind her comical frontal appearance.
Some grammatical errors for you ;)
The first paragraph has some spacing errors as each new line of dialogue, and indentation is supposed to make alternate characters talking easier to understand who is speaking. It isn't a significant error, but it helps readers to understand who is talking. Also, I wouldn't advise putting dialogue individually one after another, such as:
"Hello, Walker! I haven't seen you in forever!"
"Oh, hey, Chloe!"
"So, how have you been?"
"Good!"
I would suggest adding some indicative signs of action.
Ex: Chloe smiled happily and jumped up and down, "Hello, Walker!"
Walker turned her head to her, surprise, "Oh, hey, Chloe!"
Chloe walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "So, how have you been?"
Walker slowly nodded and almost looked through Chloe, "Good, good..."
Honestly, that is about it on the characters. You have come up with some complex traits for the characters, so I hope you are ready for that kind of commitment, haha. Sarcasm is very hard for some writers to master, and you have done it quite well.
Overall this is a good start for a novel-in-progress. I hope to see more from you in the future, and I would love to edit and help you in making this novel.
You are very humble about this great work!
I hope this answered any questions you had and helped you!
~Ramsus :)