I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrIgQrN4ZP
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq749Q0lwhT
It’s New Year’s Eve!357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlNKKndId4U
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOMpCRo8N9
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrjLfFiWe2R
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNqZSvPiKAm
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrux4AGIrNQ
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaS5lDFELJ5
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSN2gDMT18B
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP0wyz2gbxf
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPqvhXReTs
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtSJ0vZdoS4
God, what the hell am I thinking?357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkv8qrxS8W
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHv3IQDT9s
357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wlF4UnyNX
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfWeldfenaP
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6hmSjqp2d
Why did I come here?357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMr7BRW12n
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvaGYpbODVp
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVXvaPmk14
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JhBxqgaKo
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9CecFG47q
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7tBBjc6kWy
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMifOuowXLS
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxezlaPbfmf
Fuck.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5ZwTBmZQf
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbTzmMMjPRV
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBolKPola7w
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMybTkkNTkG
What do I even say back?357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxlx2mI7Dvt
Lie?357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAoNKRMxGv
“What? I’d never.”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWhPUYwCzY
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1bmw63P8h
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhjKV76eUOs
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWg8xgBxU5m
Okay, so lying didn’t work.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkcuKu95q5
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1GEZricwvi
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupb1UeyWbO
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAnvqOetjrj
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡutmqWRvZTk
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAQKCttOo8
I can’t take it.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlACB8qRrUG
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7gtNUTWlTi
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mJTLVjS1P
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLPZPbLTqI
“We can do the countdown out here.”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKrT4ZMC5Sl
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl3FqV4zDe5
I swallow.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL71UuakOOx
“Just the two of us?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiuhZuko8r6
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPv6c1FAFc
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZilHyPLZr5
“Why does it matter?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCclVTxcjzn
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1AdLLYNmK
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFpAo3f6WXI
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8duoZBY9Sk
“Rozzlyn.”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡudzVkEGVsI
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvatfhVWeN
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmyhiel3vJ
Jesus Christ.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWVY5Va3rOx
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVN26F3UQ6o
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡge27HrJAAm
His eyebrows furrow.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWCxOgz3sWO
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFfuacZwmEd
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4OYMt1OTMT
“What does that mean?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7eZtPnVpD
“Where’s Nadia?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5T7jP5UfAn
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENR20uKkxw
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJW15cc3yqh
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JpCvyfNwG
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2gyCOmeLV
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡycR5a5n7z0
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcOaERaUIN8
It’s all I’m worth.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9JceihKcpf
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BfmttKj7B
I’m empty.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3J5dJV6a91
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXIsmbS0V2q
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡklYwH9Rl4V
“You stupid, stupid woman.”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHQ1LmkhLN
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe1i6V4nZxB
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1muze1WpU
Is this real?357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmeFGRi27GH
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNyA6wwNqwJ
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1FKB7Vkww
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Ja5EJrq4D
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqdqLd4svj
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrQrwD10nz
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxkLYJHbNqw
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYg0WMePtK
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4O0WEd4QGJ
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbSf552SJ1K
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbTrjL2Zd9
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZlbwgWcab6
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡojXeic31hB
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvWOM2M5udi
I’ve never wanted anything more.
357Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOtTInOlOC
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