I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRmdhudhK4
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrUtomxc1KK
It’s New Year’s Eve!451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtd8PMaTcr
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcomcmFgQjH
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpW1IE9VFq
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi6ntM0mEK5
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡID66KIC7AS
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2tS4v6K14p
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8sf0t0qfZB
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfJnDwA9cr
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XeG4igGmE
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFMDyHVVZ8v
God, what the hell am I thinking?451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxaUH8oj2dx
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk4vk4oweaY
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCxkI0f11W
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdKAseV7Gj
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKldZ5Fz7BJ
Why did I come here?451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mF92BLlHM
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw4sdljEuYq
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLq18jkGw0q
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO4JNgeAWAb
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BCoKczLbB
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsI9aZ1wqAi
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQVxoN9iLj
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkU2NMV1AQi
Fuck.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAihgBbyuF
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj2W5rF3Mvy
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3DGDmCN8ss
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3AEq90fBV
What do I even say back?451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSqnYEgbn4
Lie?451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlNzVzsbjx
“What? I’d never.”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Qn3REzhJB
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pFYymJw3O
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxP89ZlTtNa
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqIVKlaEYtl
Okay, so lying didn’t work.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrTXYpUcsQ5
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5RenH75ZKv
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv4lN2v8Ep2
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJUS30UTrM
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXfGIbzXCU7
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJ1sZyOAjU
I can’t take it.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfW07joSPy2
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHTFYFLs7U
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYG1cS9SxTN
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEadhhKDzU
“We can do the countdown out here.”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILo2QZglN0
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFoPbizZb4
I swallow.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitR9X50xt6
“Just the two of us?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQiy2MAHbD
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcDgilLRuYm
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNfDycPaNA
“Why does it matter?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoERn036SFC
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkPnAunXbXe
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡemrXuzYcfx
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj1FacbfTCz
“Rozzlyn.”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQZWUYIaBW
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXzGs1ZW8vw
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjR4984v6B
Jesus Christ.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0Gv34G7UQ
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HYXnjCwaq
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1n5XM3Wvp
His eyebrows furrow.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLdQiFiELQk
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrV5nAFaXU
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFf5kcHOwh
“What does that mean?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA3UIozVm0k
“Where’s Nadia?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWIUtJSW6AV
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pl4QRdSIC
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjZzGKiyfP
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXmwJVcFFr
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VryfBjv0N
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMqpBYLkjke
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡId6KQGFavY
It’s all I’m worth.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCEonPQK5Ih
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEIKnyCPCy
I’m empty.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlvy7GsJSSw
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmDDEVicAy
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWhL900NWl3
“You stupid, stupid woman.”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5nR0Hp37I
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgmpamikvT
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymGKMGPPu2
Is this real?451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTywV4ZhLTG
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbBTkDSG8v
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUm06gimBoO
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMgMU9jjx3
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrrjM2lHcmE
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIIwpePeOov
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmDrdAc7Jpr
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkb1ZY8qK2
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2qasaH2Hr8
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgaGbPUUQE
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPVnPRyUKMM
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgvZMlYDYs
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xVai7sxem
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDlLUhxhIa
I’ve never wanted anything more.
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rih3hOLCq
然後按「加至主畫面」