昨天谭沁帮着约了李医生做治疗给穆禹请了假。穆禹又在晚上约了祁悯吃晚饭。早上穆禹起床后就直奔李医生的诊所。
“你最近在拍DID相关的电影?”
“是的。岳导找我,我觉得挺适合我的就接了。很像。”穆禹表情淡淡的。
李卿很敏锐,从这一丝平淡中察觉到了隐隐的回避。
“既然这样,这两个月里有什么想和我分享的吗?”李卿倒了一杯水放在了穆禹的面前。
穆禹拿起了水,手指轻轻的摩挲着杯子的边缘“前几天,结合热提前了。有个人帮了我,明明有机会伤害我但是很温柔。他没有,他战胜了本能。最近拍戏很累但是睡不着。”
“有个人?alpha?”
“嗯。想追我但是我今天约了他打算拒绝。”
“为什么呢?”
“我没有要谈恋爱的打算。我也没资格被他喜欢。我不能生育。”
李卿看着穆禹手上收紧的手,轻轻的皱眉,一瞬即逝。“你可以试着接受别人对你的好。生育并不是一个阻碍。”
“你知道我的,李医生,我不会谈恋爱。我也不会有家。我的家一直都不曾有何必奢望。太贪心我会什么都不剩的。”
李卿无奈地推眼镜“你有时候的想法过于负面了。过度的排斥感情是会加重你的抑郁的。”
穆禹转头看向李卿“就是这样。药我一直在吃但是没什么用处。”
“我想从新给你做个评估开药。”
“嗯。”穆禹看着李卿的背影并不意外。他知道自己最近的负面情绪一直很多。他调节不了。
“填一下。”李卿把问卷递给穆禹。
“好了。”
“问你几个问题。你最近失眠加重了?”
“是。”
“做噩梦吗?以前的事?”
“嗯。”
“好,我重新开药给你。安眠药尽量少吃,你体质本就特殊所以少吃。”
“嗯。”
氢溴酸西酞普兰片,轻微的成瘾性,轻度抑郁症患者的药物。他从进圈的第一年就开始服用。从中度抑郁到轻度抑郁,慢慢变好,却在这几年突然停在了轻度抑郁似乎拒绝痊愈。今天测试后还发现了轻度焦虑不安的现象。心底的裂痕一直紧紧的抓住他的脚,原以为的解脱,其实只是自欺欺人。
拿了药穆禹赴约前往订好的餐厅。一路上穆禹看着因为天色渐渐暗下而开启的路灯有些羡慕。
餐厅里的祁悯异常兴奋,从昨天接到邀约开始就把衣服都挑了一遍,最终决定今天去买新的。新的衣装和精心打扮和搭配的服饰,祁悯在包厢里静待佳人。祁悯觉得自己现在是最幸福的人了,从昨天开始就是。
“不好意思,我来迟了。”穆禹一进包厢就看到了精致打扮的祁悯。
“是我早到了。”祁悯起身把准备好的玫瑰薰衣草花束给穆禹。穆禹接过道了声谢。
“这是菜单你看看有什么你喜欢吃的。我点了一份海鲜意面和三文鱼披萨。”
“我来一份牛排就可以了。”穆禹轻声告诉服务员。
祁悯按耐住性子跟穆禹聊着。
“我其实今天约你是为了感谢上次的帮助。”穆禹突然定定的看着祁悯的眼睛。
祁悯心里一咯噔,大事不妙。“嗯,这不是什么大事。”
“还有就是我没有谈恋爱的打算,结婚也是。我不会跟任何人共度余生。”
祁悯没想到穆禹会那么直接,自己本想温水煮青蛙结果青蛙转头一绷开回了池塘还洒了他一身水。“我的确想追你,但我不逼你,不会让你不适的。”
穆禹微微一笑,这个小带上了一丝的自嘲,祁悯看着很不舒服。“我因为体质的关系不能生育。没办法有孩子,我从小到大没有家,我也不想和人有一个家所以我今天就是想跟你说清楚,不要在我身上浪费时间。”
穆禹的这一番话在祁悯的眼里有很多情绪心疼、慌乱、易碎、珍视、想守护他。
“你……”祁悯一时间百感交集不知怎么开口。这是他从来没见过的穆禹,易碎就像玻璃一样,周身带着颓废自嘲。
“嗯。我说完了。吃完这饭我就算还清了,我们不在有牵系。”穆禹没等祁悯反应过来就已经说完这一席话,饭菜上桌两人也静静地吃着,双方无言。
一顿饭吃完,穆禹要走了。“我不在意的。”
穆禹有点愣。
“我不在意你能不能生孩子,我也不在意你的体质。我会尽全力支持守护着你。”祁悯脸上又挂起穆禹熟悉的笑容。穆禹一阵恍惚,脑子里回响着李卿最后的话“你真的可以试一试进入一段感情。”
「我不配。」
穆禹没有任何反应转头走了。身后的祁悯自闭了,他坐在椅子上“啊啊啊啊!搞砸了!都怪你!太明显了啦!被拒绝了……”
祁悯烦躁的揉乱了自己的发之后又打开前置摄像头整理,期间好几次愣神,穆禹今天的状态很不对,或者说可能这才是穆禹本来的样子。
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祁悯想到着不知到是该开心还是伤心。不管如何有一点很坚定就是他会继续追穆禹。他的喜欢从来不是一时兴起而是蓄谋已久。
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