後來，我忘了自己是誰 - 第一章｜我把自己活成了別人需要的樣子

68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8vk5YDilw

在這近30年的人生裡，

有超過一半的時間，我都是一個人。

小時候的我不明白，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpxjoxr1ZG
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3cEkcYI4Bg
為什麼有些人能輕易被愛、被理解，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr8qNFfdZ59
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2XjGNgv3Y9
而我卻總像被世界遺落的人。

我開始困惑、自我懷疑。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu2M0ENfK8P
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM0w6O48zZG
常常一個人反覆問自己：

「是不是我哪裡很糟？」68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWYbyFXGz5
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9kb9AmREi
「是不是我不夠好？」68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfG0MXbyDq
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLv2D8eQG16
「為什麼破事總是找上我？」

甚至在某些夜深人靜的時候，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcWUi8UADs
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTW1OWPQjLO
我會忍不住想——68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhzWqiKHKB9
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fF8Pk3EFE
我是不是根本不應該存在。

後來我才發現，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcXKlq41Sf
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNcBVHuh046
人生有些痛苦不是短暫的。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yC8je0CPL
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeV20HAflad
它會像無止盡的循環，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdt0noe7I8
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEROENwSHv
一次又一次，把人拖進深淵。

我試過很多方式去解決。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPNwxF0Vkf
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh9Wj6e5A4a
努力把每件事情做到最好、最完美。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZXu3Djgp9q
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOBFQL2Vn2X
誰受傷了，我先安撫；68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpULTxLbt9C
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5MxqHZAWO
誰不開心了，我先退讓；68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjD1uCbaOfQ
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9d96bFuQI
誰需要幫助，我永遠第一個出現。

我的感受從來都不重要。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7iyn5c5TEL
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx2hXjnT6vv
只要除了我以外的人都好好的，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14TG45JmBO
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbnoaDC8U3d
那就夠了。

這成了我從沒改變過的初衷。

久而久之，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ua1aU2n42
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbXl1RWPFp2
我開始習慣察言觀色、阿諛奉承。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWodHfyg2nq
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbmPAeGTa3
習慣把真正的情緒藏起來，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC1djJm8jGc
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqI8JUYs49
習慣委屈自己去成全所有人。

因為我以為，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnffpI51xC8
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbypYqZPEHS
只要我夠懂事、夠溫柔、夠會忍耐，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLb6qbQGESl
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYs5WPzlk1n
事情就不會變糟。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVqGaD26fyk
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡftxHdm46e0
別人就不會離開。

最後，我甚至接受了這就是命。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ442yjdjFii
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC1yFiyAEWN
我只能認。

可也是在那些漫長的壓抑裡，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbN1lxAAwJQ
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr90jV4QT7a
我慢慢生病了。

焦慮、憂鬱、躁鬱，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Jnmq0Iw5x
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLRFwnDf5j1
像影子一樣死死纏著我。

每天都像困在沒有出口的房間。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡStxy6Lyzbk
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnweNFs3yok
呼吸很累，活著很累，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDSiulLLCZc
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDi9iKi7Kau
就連睡著都像一場折磨。

我其實試過求救。

我努力向人們訴說自己的難受、崩潰與痛苦。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUTvs38GGB
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWupvUEwrb
可換來的卻只有一句：

「你只是想太多了。」68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRi237y3Zm
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmKx2kzxJ0
「事情根本沒那麼嚴重。」

好像我的痛苦不值得被理解。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZj2sNPD8G3
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLTkTLVoCK
好像只要我不說，它就不存在。

漸漸地，我開始封閉自己。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLHGlTirPpH
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDEqp1D1zz
不再傾訴、不再求救。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkyg0MaZunb
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaH8tjPpoqq
把所有情緒硬生生吞回心裡。

後來我發現，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVC1ibJbUi
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu9LltX5j5Z
自己的存在似乎不再有意義。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLdfJQU7f3
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe8o7MvJqux
甚至很多餘。

於是我開始傷害自己。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHyC0eUrkC6
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2laLvDxCv
一次次想結束這條不該存在的生命。

卻又一次次失敗。

而最痛的不是那些傷口，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vdt6tDeCP
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWed9CDxos0
是那時候的我真的以為——68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuXktZ3oIdK
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYo8vSy41L
這世界不會有人希望我活下來。

一年、兩年過去了，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvll7cLNEQ
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1tejeCfrz
我還活著。

十年、二十年過去了，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBrjMoLWJk0
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mFSK8ZdMU
我卻像慢慢失去了靈魂。

直到30歲到來，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAU7HFuOOLy
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2k0eLDRfjd
我忽然發現自己只剩下一個空殼。

每天照常笑著、照常關心別人、照常照顧所有人的情緒。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHidlEmceKR
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUbqaiKR2Ko
成為大家眼中成熟、可靠、懂事的人。

可只有我知道，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBCguHEd0A
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhG5pyytvG
那不過是一個讓人們開心的提線木偶。

我太習慣迎合世界。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf0k1HjLR6P
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡho2OwXgIcI
太習慣成為別人需要的樣子。68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ4p3eRygmS
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVsNMxGgMNv
太習慣把真正的自己藏起來。

藏到最後，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJI0URgLj5b
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25lJ3zZuZj
連我自己都忘了——68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFmMp3WqF9
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOyqhnPaeKT
我原本是誰。

我不知道自己真正喜歡什麼、68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQ6348pGZ1
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrAT2ZI3Dxd
想成為什麼樣的人、68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarKcgNDO5o
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqHOwyUS9gg
又想被誰好好愛著。

那些最真實的情緒，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOxV1g8VUO
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg362n2p6L7
早就在無數次委屈自己裡，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZgxJsPQZD
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QEutVYICd
被磨到模糊不清。

有時候我甚至會想，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIRDTefCX9
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfEbxwvmn8H
如果有一天我突然消失了，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqGqfsTYy6
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUGJbiiIYXq
留下的到底是「真正的我」，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxMK35u9A2L
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfEDWDsTFo
還是那個被所有人需要的角色。

可也許真正的我，從來沒有消失。

只是活了太久都在配合別人，68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4G6usYlKG
68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxrmiBP0Ic
才不小心，把自己弄丟了。

68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxshTYDmcPL

68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjeomGHjlvR
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