I was a liar for the longest time.
A liar with such a horrible memory, ironic i know. My mind was like wondering a new country without a map. All my likes and dislikes were associated with others. Nothing was truely me.
For the longest time I told others I hated the orange candy flavor because it was my friend's favorite. I idolized her, but never put words to it. I guess in a way my actions reflected my intentions. It was the easiest way to give her the candy without arguments or feelings of guilt. Pretended to love things just so we could be more similar.
I was quiet, lost and anxious. I self isolated, took out tears and frustration on myself. In a way I knew better than leaving scars so I bit my hands, for not being able to create or express myself in ways I could feel understood.
In high school, girls fond over actors. And I couldn't care less. I loved the character they played but the actor themselves were nothing more than a vessel. I lied to my friends, told them I had a crush on... well that random guy I pointed. Because thats what people my age wanted to talk about.
To me it was funny, I was attracted to all of my friends and none of them at the same time. Confusing. If you asked me today, if I found someone attractive I can reply "by social normes this person as many criteria that could be described as attractive. But to me personally they look like anyone else that walks in the street."
If you want to label it, be my guess. Im sure there's more like-minded people out there. But im not ashame of it or scared to tell someone what I think of them. Not anymore at least. Its something I worked hard towards.
I like being creative. Im not a cat person. I thrive in making choices when I feel I have none. Im a dreamer, who probably needs a planner just to write down my goals. I have golden retriever aura in a black cat body and as I grow older I still learn new things about myself.
And to this day, I will still tell others i hate the orange flavor, because that was part of me for so long and the lies I told as a kid were kinda sweet in an odd way.
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and then Add to home screen.