Adults ask me sometimes why I don't have birthday parties. They look at me the same way one does when seeing faeces. The furrow of the eyebrow. The slight downturn of their mouth. They are concerned and worried for me. I don't know why.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3Fwobu6X7
My shoes make a funny sound against the carpet. When I put my weight on them, they squeak like a mouse and little creases appear along the seams of them. Then I put my heel down and they give this sound. Reminds me of the exhale of breath. I watch my shoes with fascinated vigour, paying attention to the dubious-looking laces precariously tucked into the seams as Mum says that I can't do laces yet even though I'm a big girl now. I'm only 13. Big girls are supposed to be 18. Legally. Some mums say that girls became big girls when they get their menstruation cycle. We have learnt about periods in school. I think the term 'big girl' is very stupid. Makes me sound like a baby. A lot of people talk to like I'm a baby, like I'm broken. I get me and you are different but I am not stupid.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCQco3w3b7
I may not understand things the way you do or communicate the way you do but I am not stupid. 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcc7WTYKHwM
"Riley, you in there?" my mum says in that irritated way of hers. I look up at her, gazing at her nose. Eye contact makes me feel wrong. It creates a swirly feeing in my stomach. Mum doesn't mind. Teachers do, teachers get very, very angry when I don't look at them. 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINVejQq3zT
Perhaps in some universe, I am sitting in the headteacher's office for making a teacher mad instead of hitting a boy. 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKuWamCigXL
I watch the teacher as he launches into a long monologue about 'misbehaviour' and 'troubled kids'. I stare at his beard, not liking the way the hair ruffle about when he breathes. 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GisZYsYBt
I admire the carpet, an action I have seen repeated by many kids when they are in trouble and don't want to seem rude. The carpet is a deep crimson red, not dark enough to blood but dark enough to not be ruby red. There are gold sparkles on it, like stars and I can see that the embroidery has fixed a fuzzy texture onto the rug. I fight the urge to bend down and stroke it gently. Mum and Mr Rode are already angry enough at me because I punched Tony Rode in the playground yesterday. I did it because he was bullying me and him and his friends were saying I was a 'speccy fag who should go kill myself'. I didn't understand what he meant by that but I felt upset because it's not very nice to tell someone they should die so I hit him. It wasn't supposed to be hard.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNo8xp62XjZ
I wish I had a friend to hold him back. (I wish I had a friend at all.)249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaYuDOHZ8CX
"Riley, why did you hit Tony?" says Mum. I glance between her and Mr Rode. Mr Rode has one of those expressions adults get when they are trying to keep their temper in so they plaster a smile on their face and make their eyes too bright. I keep forgetting that Tony is Mr Rode's son and that will probably make him a bit more mad. 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6RL2KjIRFSHe called me names and told me to die.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpjmBVWX4Q
"I was angry." I mutter, my eyes fixed on my shoes. Mum tuts and Mr Rode breathes in and out really heavily through his nose.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYLUrGq5YO
"Riley, darling, we really need you to be honest. Why were you angry, can you tell me that, hm?" 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tL48kUCML
"I was feeling terrible overstimulated lonely depressed mad. I said this already." I reply. I felt very stiff and my heartbeat felt very loud. 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEntgBTFG6x
I wanted my headphones. 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbOa2lCPcn
Mr Rode cracks his knuckles and clasps his hands together on the desk, staring me down with serious, dark eyes. I finally draw my gaze to meet him and my headteacher wants to kill me.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQSj7xvIQe
"Tony is my kid and I got home to him last night to see him with a broken nose. We will have to take him to the doctor and doctors are expensive, Riley. You wouldn't want us spending our money on your mistake, would you? If you don't want me to sue you for the bills, would you?"249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt3Xq2dCTEx
These questions don't feel very two-sided. 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7eOlNY2Rul
My mother takes in a sharp breath beside me. We don't have large amounts of money and we are getting by fine but getting sued would be not be good. I want to punch Mr Rode for making Mum sad. I feel upset that Mr Rode is making Mum sad. 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxBOVpOfydw
"Pumpkin," begins Mum, stroking my shoulder, "we won't be mad once you tell us the truth. Did Tony say something to you to make you want to hit him?" 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEBV8i6sTT
They are speaking to me like I am a baby again. I feel that familiar rage boil up inside of me again. A hot, searing burn churns in my stomach and I clench my fist.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3lJFjbHOJ
"I would punch Tony again. I do regret hitting your son, Mr Rode but he deserved it." My words cut short and I swallow. This happens sometimes.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXFJUIRiwx
I just-can't talk. When I'm getting stressed or angry, my words clog in my throat and I want to scream but I can't so I just tap my throat and glance at Mum, praying she will understand. Mummy, get me out of here. 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaixDbKZYC4
"But what, Riley? But what?" Mr Rode's voice hardens and I grit my teeth and I moan and curl up and I hit my fists against my head and I squeal and I can't talk and I can't speak and I am on the other side of the glass panel and they can't hear me. 249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwvmFUm875t
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and then Add to home screen.