BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT

Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.

I love animals.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy96ca1LHxN
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeHP44zbiPV
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAlXRg8q8CR
And sometimes, it screams.

I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2zGvHKE5Q1
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.

It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQ82aMGWYC
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQDE13nNtS
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWnNm2tots
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.

For one year, I rotted quietly.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJ8ZG4MRLi
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTaeB5KTMlA
I left home the next day.

I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAbY91RWsO
I tried to die seven times.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRqbgVxxSMe
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVfh6dysSE
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyBi26xdTMU
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.

Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUi9zMGZVEF
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7dvFEl2Mlg
So I asked for help.

The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt0ByGJNoHd
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu3jvuQGu6K
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2gW53GXfrg
Still breathing.Still afraid.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaj1z6ktXUR
Still me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbT8MVtZBS
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzotI6mWqE
Not today.Not again.

[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]

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She talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1PX4SNNYI

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BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT

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