In Quirinius there lives a governor known as Quiverus the Unjust. He spends his days staring out the window into the fog, making up songs to sing for his late beloved Petunia, and humming with the bullfrogs on summer evenings.
On the day we meet our hero, a young goldfinch named Finkelstein had had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and instead of singing All You Need Is Love for his brother’s wedding, was summarily beheaded for a crime he didn’t commit. It was a sad day in Quirinius, and his funeral was well- attended.
It was on this day that Quiverus had his very first opportunity to make things a little better, and set things a little righter. It was also the first day on which he failed miserably at both those things.
The problem was Finkelstein’s niece. Her name was Jessica, and she had fallen in love with a young goldfinch named Jeffrey. Alas, he was promised to another.
There was only one thing that could save them: if Quiverus were to nullify the betrothal. As it happened, Finkelstein’s beheading being something of a national occasion, Quiverus was in attendance at his funeral. Jessica was never one to let an opportunity pass her by, and so she boldly approached the governor with her request.
“Hello,” said Jessica. “I hear you’re the governor in these parts.”
Quiverus grumbled. He hated being addressed by “governor,” or any other term.
“I am,” he replied.
“Are you able to nullify my true love’s betrothal to the lowly tavern wench, Veronica?”
Quiverus looked over to the corner, where the poor lovely Veronica sat, all alone. Everyone knew that Jeffrey didn’t really love her—but what could be done?
“Is this Veronica’s wish?” he asked, honestly just stalling for time.
It was not Veronica’s wish.
Well, not quite, anyway. Veronica’s wish was to marry well, have lots of kids, hire a nanny, and live a life of luxury—having children, but not having to raise them, like the other rich moms. Jeffrey’s family had money, and Veronica knew this would help her accomplish her goal. Also, Jeffrey’s family went golfing every Friday. Veronica had never been golfing, and she wanted to learn, but she wouldn’t be caught dead on a golf course without a husband. And so, you see, she was trapped. Her life couldn’t move forward unless she was betrothed to Jeffrey. No other way around it.
“Well I—” Jessica was about to explain the complexity of the situation when—
Quiverus quivered.
It was a tick he had, and the reason for his unfortunate nickname.
In case you were wondering, no one names their child “Quiverus.” No, his real name was Humphrey, after his father, who died in the war. But he had had a nervous twitch all through gradeschool, and one of his teachers called him “Quiverus” as a joke.
Teachers really ought to take care what they call their students. Sometimes the names stick.
Humphrey was a practical man. He had never been overly fond of his given name, and when he realized no one was using it, he had it legally changed. He wasn’t overly fond of “Quiverus” either, but at least the legal name change prevented him from constantly having to correct people all the time.
As I was saying—Quiverus quivered. That meant he was about to render a decision.
Which is when Jeffrey showed up.
“Sorry I’m late,” he said. “Has Quiverus rendered his decision yet?”
Jessica nodded. “He was just about to—”
Now is a very key point in the story. Now is when you need to know something about Quiverus that no one else knows but him.
Quiverus is cursed.
He would like to render just decisions—really he would. He’s a kind soul deep down, and he would love nothing more than to solve everyone’s problems all the time, and sleep well at night.
He can’t, though.
When he was born, he was cursed to always be unjust.
That means that even though bringing justice is his literal job, he actually can’t do it.
People have noticed the trend, and most just believe he’s just grumpy, or has a bad childhood.
He is mildly grumpy. But his childhood was fine.
No, he’s just cursed.
And that’s why the next words out of his mouth were, “I’m sorry, but the betrothal stands.”
At this, Jessica was devastated.
Jeffrey sighed.
And Veronica sat up a little straighter.
Embarrassed at having mucked everything up yet again, Quiverus excused himself, and took his leave of the funeral.
A single tear fell from his eye.
But no one noticed, because they were all at a funeral.
And even if they had—they would’ve just thought he had been exceptionally good friends with the goldfinch, Finkelstein.
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