Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA2YP7thQoQ
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWypww0YEGv
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvgIDziWNJ
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQ985EHzH8
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHaj04bYvtT
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFqPZ7bTmh
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgjU4CbM1AR
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekjHNhwuQg
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPZCBqABjg
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNZ65CyT6o
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lu3Dmrsf3
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgSt5DPzavK
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6q3OLCuxxE
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYxZCmZ6flc
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWItE0PZGtW
17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLOlRcICcB
"Everything is growth"17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCiZR2xYWUY
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjzciKA9nuA
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3z1t4PfVVG
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwL8sLl0xw3
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3nbwaOAlJ
I wonder what part of that is alive.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsV8UZIIero
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUOfuNqkCn
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NxXGog3b0
There is no other point in this community.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyreZds4sbn
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94HRSIzWMM
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgf4EPawfDC
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkyT7nWsEY
Whatever that's supposed to mean.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ95pIpDziHb
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0as08UwJR
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgPQsUqC2L
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs77XeHCjMd
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvXYbphcwy
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnupBjYqRA3
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGPFVBoEPoh
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNooaa1Jrt
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQGZlAIDCA
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcdbxn8Q3g
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQwFrqoSvDK
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgrmnFYwkE
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9JXjpMHBDs
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrk3hDhefIZ
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxrThHxKNz
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFIpBKpHKf
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsdcXPBf32S
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡffvGqGgBx4
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