January Poetry Contest - ❦ Candle / Silence / New Year’s Eve ❦

My mother lights a candle.

We sit at the dinner table, eating and drinking in silence,

my parents and I and a candle.

My sister is upstairs, almost unnoticeable.

Almost,

but for the candle sitting in her place at the table,

right across from me, burning holes in my retinas.

We eat dinner.

I don’t crack a single joke.

I feel no need to lighten the mood,

no longer dead set on being the hero.

There is nothing left here worth saving.

The silence does not bother me.

I can no longer be hurt in that way.

I am invincible.

I really, truly am.

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I’m twenty years old and I’m five years old.

I am witness to that deceptive calm

that only follows the loudest of storms.

I am in the backseat on those silent car rides home,

I AM STILL HERE.

Do you see me?

Because I see you,

painted on my eyelids

before I go to sleep,

bleeding into my dreams.

Infinite worlds live on in my head;

In one I am reading a million million books,

in another I’m sitting at the kitchen table,

watching my grandma as she cooks.

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It’s New Year’s Eve.

My parents tell stories of holidays past,

of times way before me,

of friends and vacations,

and the adventures my sister would go on

back when her legs could carry her

anywhere she wanted to go.

Back when this house was a home.

I say nothing. There’s nothing left to say.

The music in my head has disappeared,

and it's far too quiet here now.

No one can give me what I need.

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I’m one hundred years old and I’m twenty years old,

and I am so tired.

So, so tired.

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My mother lights a candle and we sit in silence.

It’s New Year’s Eve.

I am not me.

I haven’t been for some time now.

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