My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTW0w2jhiY5
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGttgi3rLoz
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ23GHXOU61n
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOwQN0sKwPb
Hmm... 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGxvqxFfgS
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPaFgFTExPx
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKVdnjZDo1
"You can have have all the adult toys."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcBd1yiu6VL
Except for the pecker enhancer!755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNTAn6bsRU
"That's all I need..."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmQd3nYihdQ
"Wait!"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrNY2SLztp
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx20CN65KbR
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7IQ7QvHnaV
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPtq8QDgthi
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxUQppny78
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZ8SrUpdVQ
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1i9rSOeGSi
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGeT8X5SnWp
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeDr3tZiA14
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpFmDbdeZjZ
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvbUYbuc9C
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcZl0qFpVXC
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ885oZv6JkM
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf5TISQ83e3
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nAPgWs8eo
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeN5XobfkTw
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLW5pK8dPB
(Sarah laughs)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWRqFg9GiK
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGn58MwoXI
"Gosh Darn!"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZtVGIM3xTH
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxvbqYjhsa
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8P3Siz8AXW
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8MjL628KwF
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5sygcGafGW
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCXaXcfyarV
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYa6TotXBf0
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmetdrjDrc
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqC1NjpdMWj
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQpAxHwd37
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZuv3dJEhHb
(Sarah says what)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ48eA0qg3V4
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTpS2IzzSl
(he laughs and Sarah winks)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYTuEpJBFSk
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZXXQl5Yq4
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBnEKINIhsa
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVHcSuA4wfP
(Keith laughs hard)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfZeFj28rv1
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCuzjb4Tk3
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvHwD6CO08x
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mj2ENpP97
Honey,755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGwFLRoWea9
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNTw8mdxFVC
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbXOiuJxZc
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1VqFsYpsB
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYhD77byBjx
Keith says,755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCXYaNSItZP
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjhHK7y9sA
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFWuJziIHrz
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICko7gBVz1
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhWABViHyDb
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jIhUuVMnP
"Ground beef!"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTfBOB6YNSc
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2qKb8i3Gl
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZ68yDHQ6D
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiSrGbA1NO
Lawsuits.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmG1gZAJjl
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKv6IbaktZM
Keith's friends knew him as the 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0JwZvzmkEb
Clown Jester of Bakersville.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQNgLWOFCi
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQYU7I3cQT
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1J1CsqVST5
Because he was so outstanding in his field!755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4bmFXwZDe
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrqqM945mf
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHbUtRq8wh
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80DBopwLPX
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKFoj0vVku
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQizzHAWDN7
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrAR4yUeo5D
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpzozWGwpi
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWMfADb3qsq
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjU5TzvTjF
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOYCW3pvwS
Having heard them all before, many times.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6cGSAM5Nw
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHkKYTxKeY4
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtqb6PGPK3
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1duGMadv0p
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFa7RHEpTBr
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZuP06lUQ2d
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNFOtD6HkLz
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhyfvVm9J8u
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYP0Gphcmr
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ1AORwkeAW
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bNudsZt1V
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQ4niXd4RX
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLAZYSd68xy
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4WpAibE7H
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGScsLcbeZ
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKxKR9F34ut
(audience chuckles)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmsoqhuOZrr
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ87oRFeZQN
I haven't heard from him since.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xGHl0o0uS
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWFi21JdXc
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBiFh0DtlT
(audience laughing)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡokna1cJtFU
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtQ1vpxVhm
She still isn't talking to me.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhu4bpS76aw
(Keith smiles)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5uiRqIAqki
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBlqwwSGbL
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0T94NvMln
but I am on the fence!755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2h0lRgzlR
(audience laughing hard)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1pLV6N1Ss
[He gets on a roll]755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5gR8nfHan
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqvYZ7E4N4t
She gave me a hug!755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfXEk3Xm7UR
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLFEfszEQl
Hey!755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTiUbltxO2
What is the worst combination of illnesses?755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡivzePJmEHc
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfiHNoBRUDZ
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdaa3dcKfiO
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTdXij7X1i
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK63ssdANoa
How do you get a squirrel to like you?755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ91Pu9EVGda
Act like a nut.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaMwpATcvjn
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4A2wsmYnmm
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6UbBLNNUj4
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQ41EHqcCC
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMO3juBbRFH
So I Left.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxTPZx0dk6Y
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlFwhEzOFej
"The steaks were pretty high!"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvw5bscojp
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlzNjDLPJmR
Goodnight!"755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUks1YqS4Z
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKU95Be6zV
He went home happier755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJt1JcWOs7
than he ever
Dreamed!755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdAd4hJsan
755Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUcbxPduEA5
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.208da2
and then Add to home screen.