My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNKHY0Uuxg
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcxRNgiWmm9
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHi7lYjit0
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWdcZGA4D4
Hmm... 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCImeVXmvUt
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxDGKKKLfQ
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6Ip2BANzs
"You can have have all the adult toys."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsckDWSuxRL
Except for the pecker enhancer!465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡla6ea3nKDU
"That's all I need..."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1E5Xl2EdhH
"Wait!"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhJkWWoRn9
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bPWhQcyBH
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8NtdlHyxXn
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrRhxZUvCwc
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6UpRWVF8E1
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzOLbwhKAg
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJRJQ6Dd2I
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74Z2PdcViy
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZskrHmq9L
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Q9r6PR6PO
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv6psr30NdZ
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbTetUHQtyp
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZlRhD0zcN
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Jj97tA6dT
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCk7QmGt55n
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9MKlhujDZ
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYoXcqfVRTi
(Sarah laughs)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1AWYwIi3g7
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwnhzwKQZZ
"Gosh Darn!"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqryGn48Hfg
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhYTfF2ILIc
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJF0UbzDt0
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhVj8qPDH8
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpNEWHwjv1i
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4iuwdryXIe
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxOa9QREt6
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3O1Td2EjI
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPXw4o4aUw
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ63torTQdd
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbNaS90S1T
(Sarah says what)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ToYrDBs0A
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwmZ6zANvv5
(he laughs and Sarah winks)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKxeD1H5rwC
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYsARnNqYS
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7EogIlpEx
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgrkPC9WnG
(Keith laughs hard)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT6lo9xZMhn
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡru5cf7PuEG
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDjZ47aKfm
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpS29KQ5Zqx
Honey,465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDhlyb9GHE
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5OCcAfIOh
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zKZBqn6ur
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQbqgfomFL
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqjATDjthu6
Keith says,465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVl4kE25XLV
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF3QF3a7xVl
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9LVRF1UZK
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFsETNAvvpv
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfGYCApcvGf
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd1r8OGiCMi
"Ground beef!"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYW1Am07d3
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1jasxAVw0
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjjwEgvLHW
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡphUD8t7cp6
Lawsuits.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBoKhf4n9TY
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQAxjiHn7a
Keith's friends knew him as the 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJwaZDcf4K5
Clown Jester of Bakersville.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzcviGF44V
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNOtfzmKTy
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBmJYZvwJZM
Because he was so outstanding in his field!465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuU2MyLZNxs
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWhx3fZaqP8
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgv5Morde0U
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡstEjax7JZ2
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEKcBhTC3d
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhV2Vo7Br8G
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNImSuoMJl
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcnjnqTJxIY
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71piwh9nJh
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VSBjYdVk2
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGFH7ciDNS
Having heard them all before, many times.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLPISagTMD3
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt9LZte2Vce
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb33Iq1L5XY
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qplQoff1r
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGIPhurC0R
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yvD6Weu2T
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYCVrbmx0cL
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD24Lj3kkny
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr9Sa7TpQNP
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWXIZ0ru6Ij
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTudegePJWP
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVUG80dN8C
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4zaapMbj9
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4meq48CqVN
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ42H3LTHVC5
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW4h2NkWbTA
(audience chuckles)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPozzqRiCu
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9welZvIR9m
I haven't heard from him since.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3U6Fk2mJ2O
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxd0WEGN5Py
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnuUQTcSc6e
(audience laughing)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyKOaYWIVaF
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwskghuipcp
She still isn't talking to me.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqXMMHFnQrH
(Keith smiles)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxy4NKCWxh
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFVcibkePv
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQQKqCWXnd
but I am on the fence!465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3jjTtTqM7
(audience laughing hard)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVgMzmbjAaJ
[He gets on a roll]465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡds7YSLyDLj
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8CKmlH2GWp
She gave me a hug!465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLq4ONIV1ug
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl8tCDP06f6
Hey!465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVY5p4YkKvK
What is the worst combination of illnesses?465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2OGVjDznQs
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjRyLCed4Da
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQD0HagMKvV
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnQSZK4e4U
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDkNM9tL3x
How do you get a squirrel to like you?465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHzz9xq4kJO
Act like a nut.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPhEYvBz7F8
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKuB5GVk9V
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrU6vvvFzeb
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWc54PHZl3m
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzue4Jr4cl
So I Left.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowOBV9VYFh
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4aZ9SUywlF
"The steaks were pretty high!"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqs8kdACbU5
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ02X6d54kYL
Goodnight!"465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90Do3Pnfb6
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNwYRcrbHyt
He went home happier465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ZlHzin4fb
than he ever
Dreamed!465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJFqQzaz5V
465Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6atWgkj04
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.247da2
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