My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQYFDYNOVj
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHviFL8ryk0
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC1W4uZFjrx
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUafH28eDJF
Hmm... 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28up506wjP
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4KwBVUMlDu
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK2k0TaEP2F
"You can have have all the adult toys."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJAEwW4XzbB
Except for the pecker enhancer!543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65KCzFwIvI
"That's all I need..."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwI0hXfxUBk
"Wait!"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGLE9ElPeU
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBIF2gw714E
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmxydE0dyYu
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTiwGM7EPzD
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQqPoHsqEw
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQr0wWFzY2G
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBJ10WqEo3
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92fjq0UnOI
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmgBXledreh
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZTxeyWXvP
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXbsI3PMfVq
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOT1W1y5xo
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLSGsdUiB3I
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHuP2EbA52X
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgVRnmLHBw
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupxK13GaVm
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyDz4mzczPs
(Sarah laughs)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzWseQV44mq
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXUowJaSdq
"Gosh Darn!"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHsoGcxYbPL
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ldgHi3oTO
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04uJyTqPCK
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKMf19Kg29E
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTr9lGHlpkI
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVqAyUOt1f
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNPXCRHBQq
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSsN12pjfLl
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWoBO5fxBUv
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQnDsLiWEb
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ffSH7Abyd
(Sarah says what)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCggPXr98xo
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9AnyXF6doE
(he laughs and Sarah winks)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFo0MTIBCl
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU2stFXSlua
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY96uXHTsBU
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhUBn7oCff
(Keith laughs hard)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtKN7JNUUm
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpHzKp4CUg
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYSJmramGk
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqxJLB5In3J
Honey,543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdHZKXbVC0x
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3TMRjNrctG
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpC7yCrEXS
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXOgoX8rwY
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1GupfBasW
Keith says,543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8eFGqSFDQM
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKA5EGtuoY1
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PrNkA10qZ
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6NhbhMOxIt
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6eHcMgHLK
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLNVZ6fwLW
"Ground beef!"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgoIEKkafGE
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfp57275hhO
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAblGU9TK3
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrYVy6R6Ax
Lawsuits.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG370Dizg4D
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK3HseqM2E7
Keith's friends knew him as the 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjcsrziVvGF
Clown Jester of Bakersville.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpdjD84Imfl
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRkTvNsaH6
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQzZvz42KT
Because he was so outstanding in his field!543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ30LMu5QuZz
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENoJ6aFWjm
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXabbCep9kj
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeKfMnZjymi
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5K1G3J0MDn
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6qcFmHYKi
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXOPFY30GN
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKc5uuiDrfA
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT85PALKsvt
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvU1JlEWtt
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3wxpQXZ0Dr
Having heard them all before, many times.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKosAByVSD7
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLyZ33sqTvx
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRh31HjJyC
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4tZgsu2xY
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgk9Z10T65W
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZiZeV8FJq
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwj37WpJ6Br
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMGML0Z8ac
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKKiolgZy0q
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhGIFatofQQ
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡatC17juGAC
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRuiutuXIUF
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd5rPn9VAlb
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQDKzh8WLv
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡId2KRrGbT7
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZ8ocpinoA
(audience chuckles)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMgXfAr8KQm
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgwBve9yoV7
I haven't heard from him since.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡulSkqLn6MX
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1r6C7TzW5p
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yETlz9HKX
(audience laughing)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqYUZQXsAa
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9CmCUihus4
She still isn't talking to me.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtrghYSXH1
(Keith smiles)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXqAseKJoc
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa5x31g2TzI
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqGJVAq7O8G
but I am on the fence!543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPxwarf4m2H
(audience laughing hard)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7AJdoRxwou
[He gets on a roll]543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11wvCphhqz
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7SGp0PRpW
She gave me a hug!543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz3EpQeRPRf
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdS3s2dtCi
Hey!543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFjoQdua59
What is the worst combination of illnesses?543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhfibuUtpE
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZgYtPku4j
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KbshVtnuV
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfT0KKAQTaR
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7uzY1A6iB
How do you get a squirrel to like you?543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqkvRZ2Tu1
Act like a nut.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6AhDyL6QWG
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtTSd2Fcz5
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0ux3NelH1
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcIscsNvaO
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡze4RsXUBOT
So I Left.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ81Rj5zjvz8
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxbymt2nva
"The steaks were pretty high!"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcj7BHDqFk1
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ERcdhOHyx
Goodnight!"543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡku3FWoQCH4
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiudN78H28U
He went home happier543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCgHoTYFyt
than he ever
Dreamed!543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCjdGTgHTpa
543Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0qVnuIAt7
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.82da2
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